Classic joke thread...

[mkm]

WAR EAGLE!!

[Bill Stryker]

Nancy and Harry!!
 

Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, "Harry, I have a great idea! I know how we can win back Middle America in  2012 ."

"Great, but how do you propose we go about that, "asked Harry?"

"Well," Nancy responded, "we'll go down to a local Wal-Mart, get some cheesy clothes and shoes like most middle Americans wear and then we'll stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador . When we look the part we'll go to a nice old country bar in Middle America , and we'll show them that we really enjoy the Countryside and show admiration and respect for the hard working people living there."

A few days later, all decked out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from Washington in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for. With dog in tow they walk into the bar. They stepped up to the bar. The Bartender took a step back and said, "Aren't you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?" Nancy answered, "Yes we are, and what a lovely town you have here. We were just passing through and Harry suggested that we stop and take in some local color."

They then ordered a couple of cocktails from the bartender and proceed to drink them down, all the while chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

All of a sudden, the bar room door opened and a grizzled old farmer came in. He walked up to the Labrador , lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out the door. A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and then left the bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five farmers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually Nancy and Harry could stand it no longer and called the bartender over. "Tell me," said Nancy , "why did all those old farmers come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it some sort of old custom?"

"Good Lord no," said the bartender.. "It's just that some-one has told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two asshole's!"

[crusader rabbit]

ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES

 

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father,
'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:
In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,
'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,
'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'
'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.'
 

 

[tombogan03884]

I just got off the phone with a friend in Minnesota.
He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

[Timothy]

I just got off the phone with a friend in Minnesota.
He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

Having spent a great deal of time in Minnesota in all kinds of weather......that's just too freakin' funny right there!

 

[Sponsor]

[ellis4538]

As we approach the end of another year, I want to thank all of you for your
educational e-mails during 2010. I am totally screwed up now and have
little chance of recovery.
 I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have
the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the
bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last
person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what
has happened on it since it was last washed..hmmmm

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because
the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine
how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of
a public bathroom.

I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one
about rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet
sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)
who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.

I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice
with my kidneys gone.

I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks
with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial
killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.
 
I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products
are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven
different types of cancer.

THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black
snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it
bites my butt.


AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up a Penny dropped
in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting
to grab me as I bend over.

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports
Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider
and my hand will fall off.


If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes,
a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow
afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened
to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s
cousin’s best friend’s beautician . . .


Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that
people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on
the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.


PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail
that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
 

 
 
 

[Teresa Heilevang]

Congress has announced they intend to make it more difficult to claim Unemployment Benefits.


Starting next Monday, the forms will only be printed in English.

[Teresa Heilevang]

GOLF PANTIES
 

                         
    The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. 'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.
    Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'   The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency,  here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'

    Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.   'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'  She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.' Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'

    Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over.  The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. 'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'  The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....Tidy yerself up a bit."

[Teresa Heilevang]

[Pixcutter]

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.
The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

           "Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried   officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews Please."

Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied:  Madam, thank you for your invitation.  In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers.  One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design.  The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering.  His Masters Degree and PhD. in Aeronautical  and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate.  The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech.  Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship’s doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina.  We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda.

   Upon receiving this letter, Melinda’s mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure.  Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).

           At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four handsome, smiling Black officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."

           "No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."