Classic joke thread...

[bulldog75]

I bet you that thing looks like a inny belly button.

[tombogan03884]

Did she say IOWA ?
God, PLEASE don't let that be my VP   

[philw]

FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN.

Test 1 - Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-

1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.

3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children:-

1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter
and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to
their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2 - Knowledge

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their
methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels
and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in
which
they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table
manners and overall behavior.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the
answers.


Test 3 - Nights

To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag
weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some
other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am. 4.
Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea. 6.
Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4 - Dressing Small Children

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5 - Cars

1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat. 5. Run
a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6 - Going For a Walk

Wait
Go out the front door
Come back in again
Go out
Come back in again
Go out again
Walk down the front path
Walk back up it
Walk down it again
Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of
used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours
come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8 - Grocery Shopping

1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can
find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you
intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your
sight. 3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having
children.

Test 9 - Feeding a 1 year-old

1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the
swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the
floor.

Test 10 - TV

1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney,
Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11 - Mess

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls.
Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the
floor & leave it there.

Test 12 - Long Trips with Toddlers

1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important
Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include
occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13 - Conversations

1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve
while playing the Mummy tape listed above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a
child in the room.

Test 14 - Getting ready for work

1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work

[Badgersmilk]

http://www.amazon.com/Rolex-Special-Perpetual-Cosmograph-116598-SE/dp/B001GUHSXU

You know you want one.

[garand4life]

But HEY you get free shipping!

[Sponsor]

[Majer]

Why buy a Rolex when you can have one of these?....be sure to read the "Customer reviews"

[Ichiban]

Dayum!  I could get 10 or 15 incredibly overpriced, er, uhm, I mean high end, that's it,  high end 1911s for that kind of money.

[tt11758]

Did she say IOWA ?
God, PLEASE don't let that be my VP   

I'm not Norwegian.   

[ericire12]

Its a simple fact of life.... after Monday and Tuesday even the calender says WTF!

[ericire12]

Everyone dies and goes to heaven and God pulls all the men aside and starts to lecture them about not being the men that he intended them to be. He tells them that he is upset that many did not step up and be the head of the house hold like he intended. He tells them how upset he is at those who let their wives control them and dictate how they behaved and how they lived their lives.

Then he tells them all to form two lines.... He wants all the men who let their wives walk all over them to get in the first line, and all the men who took control and were the head of the household to get in the second line.

The men all got into their respective lines and to God's surprise there was only one man in the second line. God was confused by this and asked the man about it and the man said, "Oh.... I'm just over here because my wife told me to get in this line".