Classic joke thread...

[Steyr M40A1]

Ah Jerry Clower, that man was humor!

[tombogan03884]

 Jerry Clower, "The mouth of the Mississippi" 

[FSBARAK]

The Homeless Man

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

[ellis4538]

Retiree Bathtub Test

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not a retiree should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the retiree and ask him or her to empty the bathtub"

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."






"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug.  Do you want a bed near the window?"

[red364]

Change the Oil

Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!
'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'
The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'
Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we ain’t got done yet!'
The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Murph, you just had yourself another boy!'
Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'
The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'
Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'
When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, 'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'
She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'
Murph said, 'I'll tell you, it's a bloody good thing we didn't use WD-40.

[Sponsor]

[philw]

Two women are chatting in an office.

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?

Woman 2: Yes.

Woman 1: Was it good?

Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairy tale!

.....



At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: You went home to have sex last night, did you score?

Husband 2: Yes it was great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, had sex with my wife and fell asleep. Perfect! How did you go?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because the electricity was cut, I hadn't paid the bill. Had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money for a cab. We walked home which took an hour - and when we get home I remember there is no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't climax for another hour. After I finally did, I was so ticked off that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

[TAB]

I'm sure there is a joke there some where...

[Walter45Auto]

I'm sure there is a joke there some where...

Yeah but I'm not sure I want to hear it.

[philw]

Yeah but I'm not sure I want to hear it.

come over in to the Corner..   I am sure we can work a few out

[CJS3]