Classic joke thread...

[1911 Junkie]

A small guy steps onto an elevator and sees the biggest guy ever. The big guy looks down and says:
7 foot
300lbs
20 inch penis
testicles 3lbs each
Turner Brown
The small guy hits the floor, out cold.
The big guy smacks him awake and he looks up and asks,"what did you just say?".
The big guy says,"I saw the look on your face so I just answered all the normal questions. I'm 7 feet tall,
weight 300lbs, my penis is 20 inches long, my testicles weigh 3lbs apiece and my names Turner Brown".
The small guy says,"Oh, Thank God, I thought you said 'Turn Around'".

[Luv2Shoot]

Doctors vs Gunowners


Doctors

(A)   The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.

(B)   Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.

(C)   Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of

Health and Human Services.   

Now think about this:


Guns

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.   

(Yes, that's 80 million)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.   

(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.

Statistics courtesy of FBI


So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'

FACT:   NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT     

ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.

We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

Out of concern for the public at large, I withheld the statistics on   

Lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!

 

[Teresa Heilevang]

Just thinking 

 Did you realize that President Obama probably signed his stimulus package at the same desk where President Clinton got his package stimulated?

[ericire12]

Just thinking 

 Did you realize that President Obama probably signed his stimulus package at the same desk where President Clinton got his package stimulated?

Oh no you didnt........ Holla!

[Teresa Heilevang]

Ya just can't top ignorance... LOL   


Why 911 Dispatchers Drink:
Compliments of tombogan 

[Sponsor]

[Teresa Heilevang]

The Obama coins, the Obama plates and now something for the rest of  us ..........

 

[Teresa Heilevang]

I'm sure that very few men have had this kind of experience but I bet the females in your life have had.. If they have children and grandchildren.. LOL

 ( I definitely can relate) 

My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. He loves to communicate and does
it quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we're in the
library, the grocery store or at a drive-thru window.

People often comment on how clearly he speaks for
a just-turned-3-year-old. And you never have to ask him to turn up the
volume. It's always fully cranked. There have been several embarrassing
times that I've wished the meaning of his words would have been masked by
a not-so-audible voice, but never have I  wished this more than last week
at Costco.

Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade with me
into the restroom. If you'd been one of the ladies in the second to the
last stall you would have heard this:

'Mommy, are you going to go potty?  Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on
the potty, Mommy? Oh You gonna sit down on da toiwet paper now? Mommy,
what are you doing?  Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the potty?'

At this point I started mentally counting how many women had been in the
bathroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full ... 4? 5?  Maybe we
could wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out of this
stall and reveal my identity.

Cade continued:
'Mommy, you ARE going stinkies aren't you?  Oh, dats a good girl, Mommy!
 Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty?
 Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy! Oh Mommy!  I'm trying to see in dere.
 Oh! I see dem.  Dat is a very good girl, Mommy. You are gonna get some candy!'

I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of me.
Where is a screaming new born when you need her?  Good grief.

This was really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long
time before exiting. Trying to divert him, I said,

'Why don't you look in Mommy's purse and see if you can find some candy.
We'll both have some!'

'No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies.  Oh Mommy!' He started to gag at this point.

'Uh - oh, Mommy. I fink I'm gonna frow up.  Mommy, doze stinkies are making me frow up!! Dat is so gwoss!!'

As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall.  I  quickly flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the subject. I began to reason with myself: OK There are four other toilets.  If I count four flushes,
I can  be reasonably assured that those who overheard this embarrassing monologue will be long gone.

'Mommy!  Would you get off the potty, now? I want you to be done going
stinkies!  Get up! Get up!'  He grunted as he tried to pull me off. Now I
could hear full-blown laughter. I bent down to count the feet outside my
door.

'Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy?  You wooking under da door? What
were you wooking at?  Mommy? You wooking at the wady's feet?'

More laughter. I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess the
situation.

'Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now. We have to go out
now, Mommy.' He started pounding on the door.  'Mommy, don't you
want to
wash your hands? I want to go out!!'

I saw that my wait'em out plan was unraveling.

 I sheepishly opened the door, and found standing outside my stall, twenty to thirty ladies
crowded around the stall, all smiling and starting to applaud.  My first
thought was complete embarrassment, then I  thought, where's the fine
print on the 'motherhood contract' where I signed away every bit of my dignity and privacy?

 But as my little boy gave me a big, cheeky grin
while he rubbed bubbly soap between his chubby little hands, I thought,
I'd sign it all away again, just to be known as Mommy to this little fellow.



(Shannon Popkin is a freelance writer and mother of three. She lives with
her family in Grand Rapids , Michigan , where she no longer uses public
restrooms.)


You must pass this on to all the mothers who have had embarrassing
moments with their children.
  Isn't it great to be a parent! Or a grandparent?

[Big Frank]

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'

6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'

7. Feel better?

GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi!

[tombogan03884]

Subject: A man who knows his math

A MAN WHO KNOWS HIS MATH
 
He writes:
 
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver who cut
right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the
shoulder to avoid hitting her..
 
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his
window and gave the woman the finger.
 
'Man, that guy is stupid,' I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely
and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to
me in traffic, and here's why:
 
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure
I pass at least another 4000 cars.  That brings the total number to
something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!
 
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
 
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That's 449.
 
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
 That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger?
I don't think so.
 

[PegLeg45]

BIRTHDAY REMINDER......

This week we celebrate a special birthday!

Monica Lewinsky turned 34.

Can you believe it?
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don't they?