Classic joke thread...

[PegLeg45]

A woman goes to her doctor's office, to discuss a strange development. 
She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh. 
They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back.
A few days later, the woman's phone rings. 
Much to her relief, it's the doctor. 
She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots. 
The doctor says, 'You're perfectly healthy--there's no problem. But I'm wondering, was your boyfriend that Harley guy in the waiting room?'
The woman stammers, 'Why, Yes, but how did you know?'
"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold..."

          

 

[long762range]

Daryl is on his way to the pub driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself off.

Daryl slams on the brakes and yells:

"Shazza what the bloody hell d'ya think ya doing?"

Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says:

"G'day Daryl. You got me pregnant, so now I'm gonna kill meself".

Daryl gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.

Shazza, he says, Fair dinkum not only are ya a top root but you're a real sport too", and drives off to the pub.

[philw]

Daryl is on his way to the pub driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself off.

Daryl slams on the brakes and yells:

"Shazza what the bloody hell d'ya think ya doing?"

Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says:

"G'day Daryl. You got me pregnant, so now I'm gonna kill meself".

Daryl gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.

Shazza, he says, Fair dinkum not only are ya a top root but you're a real sport too", and drives off to the pub.

LMFAO    Onya   

[tombogan03884]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G9mtz6HKJHY&feature=channel

[Hazcat]

An armed and hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.

One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber shoots him also.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

"Did anyone else see my face?" calls the robber.

There are a few moments silence, then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says: "I saw nutthin' but I think me wife may have caught a glimpse..."

[Sponsor]

[Teresa Heilevang]

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carolyn. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carolyn to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carolyn. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,

Bob

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Bob died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carolyn was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Bob, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

[PegLeg45]

Ma'am....you REALLY know how to put things in 'perspective'.....don'tcha? 

[Hazcat]

Lawrence Livermore Labs has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.  The new element, Governmentium (GV) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
 
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
 
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert: however it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.  A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.
 
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.  In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
 
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.  This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
 
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

[MikeBjerum]

Haz, did you forget that this is a joke thread not a place to insert true stories and facts 

[TAB]

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas
City to Chicago . The little boy (who had been looking out the
window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and
big cats Have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?' The
mother (who Couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight
attendant. So The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight
attendant, 'If big dogs Have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why
don't big planes have baby Planes?' The busy flight attendant smiled and
said, 'Did your mother tell You to ask me?' The boy said, 'Yes, she
did.' 'Well, then, you go and tell Your mother that there are no baby
planes because Southwest always pulls out On time. Have your mother
explain that to you