Classic joke thread...

[howlrwy]

Damn....Marhall'ette! You had cable T.V. growing up? We had frickin Howdy Doody and Ed Sullivan and those stupid ass Space Ranger muppet-hung-by-strings thingys that flew through space and the smoke from the rockets always went up in the air instead of straight out behind the rocket. Halfway through the movie the sound would go out on the T.V. Ever tried to read a space ranger-hung-by-a-string-thingy mannnequins lips when you were ten years old? Geeezzz life sucked back then. I wonder if child suicide rate was higher back then

Now you're making me feel old!  I remember the first family on the street who got a TV and we all went down to see it, but it had to be after 5PM because the only station in the SF Bay Area only came on at 5 and went off at 10.  Later when my dad got us a TV we still had limited hours, but we did have Crusader Rabbit, Flash Gordon, Howdy Doody, Cukla, Fran and Ollie...  Of course on Friday evenings my dad got to watch the Friday Night Fights brought by Gilette.  ;-)

[Bill Stryker]

For all of you in education, with sons, grandsons, or who just love the things little kids say ~ a reminder that adult words are often taken  literally.....

"Circumcised" (this is priceless!)

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.  He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his "private part" hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.

"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

[Dakotaranger]

This guy walks into a doctor's office and

He demands reception let him see the doc without an appointment, he says he hurts all over and he is a very important person, he must see the doctor now.

He sees the doc and says "I hurt everywhere." He touches his head "Ouch!". He touches his arm "Ouch!". Touches his leg"Ouch" The doc examines him, takes body fluid samples, does a full body x-ray and tells him to return tomorrow.

The next day the doc shares the results. He says "Well, all of the tests are in, but I need to ask you a question or two."

The guy says "OK, but hurry up, I'm a very important person and have important things to do."

Doc asks "Where do you work?"

Guy says "I'm a high level staffer at the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Ownership. Why?"

Doc says "Ah ha! I should have expected that. Your index finger is broken."

[Teresa Heilevang]

Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning", let alone any "Happy Birthday."
 I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember.
"The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." I felt a little better. At least someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it is such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
 I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not."
 She said, "Good! Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.
 Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday.......and there I sat on the couch.......naked.

[Teresa Heilevang]

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook
a venison steak.

But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....And since it was Lent, they
were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a
problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass, and as the priest
sprinkled holy water over him, he said,   "You were born a Baptist, and
raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved,  until Friday night arrived, and
the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and as he rushed into
Bubba's yard,  clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and
watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully
sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: You wuz born a deer, you wuz
raised a deer, but now you a catfish.

[Sponsor]

[Outlaw]

This one may be borderline. 

Red Neck Pick Up Lines

 

1) Did you fart? Cuz you just blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea, I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to check you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light
switch away.

Fat Penguin........ Sorry, I just wanted to say something that would
break the ice.

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me? I think he went into this cheap
motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as winder cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin', we kin sleep til afternoon.

And.... The best for last!


13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts
tighten up

[Hazcat]

I liked the Fat Penguin best.

[Teresa Heilevang]

I liked the Fat Penguin best.

You would  ...................sighhhhhhhhhh

Guess which I liked best... 

[Outlaw]

You would  ...................sighhhhhhhhhh

Guess which I liked best... 

#1 ?   

They left one out.... #14.  Gee, to be fat you shore don't sweat much!   

[Bill Stryker]

This from a friend of mine in Canada. Had to pass it on for laughs.

This is not so funny as  it is  ridiculous.   Unfortunately, I dealt with
these same employees at Citi Bank 7 years ago when they bought out Canada
Trust / TD Master Card.  This shit actually happens.



Cancel your credit card.......... (Hilarious!) 

Now some people are really stupid!!!!

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless,
and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late
fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now
somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is
the exchange:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in
January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to
the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" (I really liked this
part!!!!)

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about
her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!)

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and late fees and charges still
apply." (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

 Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I
can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just
keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."(What is wrong
with these people?!?)

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet??