Classic joke thread...

[Teresa Heilevang]

One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion.
 "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.
Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."

[Teresa Heilevang]

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman sitting straight up, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man, "Oh my god, that must be my husband!"
The guy quickly jumped straight out of the bed, scared and naked... he jumped out the window like a crazy man.  He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush, jumped up and then started to run as fast as he could to his car.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband.!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

 And that folks............is how the fight started.

[gunman1911]

Funny how I can laugh my a$$ off at 2:45 am, opps got go down the hall to catch it!

[Pathfinder]

John Kerry gets an eyeful!

I'm sorry, got distracted. Who got caught?        

[brosometal]

A writer grows weary of the rat race. He yearns for the freedom of the outdoors and wide open spaces.  He forsakes all urbanity and packs up and leaves New York for the great Northwest.  He soon is living in a cabin deep in the forest half way up a mountain.  With his new found freedom he grows immersed in his work, writing almost constantly.  Before he is aware six months have passed and he hears a knocking on his door.  Perplexed, he rises and opens the door to reveal a mountain of a man dressed in flannel.  This man could be Paul Bunyan's brother.

"Can I help you" the writer asks.

"Why, yes."  The man boomed.  "I would like to invite you to a party at my house a little further up the mountain"

The writer is surprised but accepting of the offer.

"I have been writing for close to six months and have not seen a soul.  I think a party would do me some good." the writer replied cheerfully.

"Well, I have to warn ya, there is gonna be some drinkin'" the large man countered.

"Like I said," said the writer.  "I have been couped up here in the cabin for nearly six months a bit of alcohol could raise my spirits, pun intended"

The large man chuckled and fired back, "Well I'm gonna have to warn ya, there's gonna be some fightin'"

The writer mulled it over quickly and explained, "I moved here from New York.  I am a reasonably level-headed fellow and get along with most people.  But I can take care of my self."

Once again the large man chuckled to himself and once again he countered, "Well, I'm gonna have to warn ya, theres gonna be some f***in'."

While not particularly enamored with the large man's vocabulary, the writer explained, "Once again, I have been couped up in this cabin for a long time.  A man has needs, ya know?"

Once again the large man chuckled to himself.  After exchanging pleasantries the large man turned to leave and the writer began to close the door then he remembered, "Hey, what should I wear?"

The mountain of a man turned back to the writer, chuckled again, and replied, "It doesn't really matter.  It's just gonna be you and me!"

[Sponsor]

[tt11758]

One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion.
 "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.
Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."

I resemble that remark!!!

[Teresa Heilevang]

Returning home from work, a blond was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.  She phoned the police at once and reported the crime.  The police dispatcher broadcast the call  and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. 
 
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blond ran out onto the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen.  I call the police for help, and what do they do?  They send me a BLIND policeman!"

[Dharmaeye]

Just got this email


A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security,
stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away
when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime
and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'

I had no Monet  to buy Degas
to make the Van Gogh.'

See if you have De Gaulle to send
this on to someone else.


I sent it to you because I figured
I had nothing Toulouse

[brosometal]

Just got this email


A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security,
stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away
when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime
and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'

I had no Monet  to buy Degas
to make the Van Gogh.'

See if you have De Gaulle to send
this on to someone else.


I sent it to you because I figured
I had nothing Toulouse

Ouch! stop the pun ishment

[Hazcat]

***GROAN***