Classic joke thread...

[Teresa Heilevang]

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a White Trash Biker are all walking together one day.  They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.  'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm.  I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada 'POOF!  With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.  'POOF!  Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious.  Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country.  Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lites a cigar, smiles and says,

'Fill it with water.'

[Big Frank]

Screw The Boss!

After the annual office Christmas party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the President of the company to his face."

"He's an asshole - piss on him!"

"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday!"

[PegLeg45]

Note sent the next school day with 1st grader... 
 
 
Dear  Ms Davis,
That is not a dance pole on stage in a strip joint! ...I work at Home Depot, ...that's me selling a shovel.
Mrs. Smith 

[Bill Stryker]

              INVOLUNTARY MUSCULAR CONTRACTIONS
               
A professor at the University of Wisconsin was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
               
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
               
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?' 
               
She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.' 
               
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........
             

[PegLeg45]

Bill,
For some reason, my wife thought that one was really funny???




 

 

[Sponsor]

[Bill Stryker]

You let your wife read that? 

[PegLeg45]

You let your wife read that? 

Well, what can I say, I'm a hog for punishment.   

[PegLeg45]

OK, Haz.....you'll enjoy this:   

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife call out to me from the kitchen.

'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'

'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower noise and steam, 'Reset it yourself!'

'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'

There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.

It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.

No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.

It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs.

She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome.
Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option.
I know this from experience.
I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.

The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all.

A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury.
I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'

If they only knew!



Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

 

[Fatman]

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

 

Same reason they stretch when they get up in the morning - they don't have balls to scratch.

[cooptire]

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog,
slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to
back out into a torrential down pour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,
and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There,
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?"

I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing.