Classic joke thread...

[tt11758]

As near as I can tell, to be a liberal:

    You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of funding.

    IF there is a church that is valid it has been pre-approved by the government.

    You have to be against capital punishment but for abortion on demand ... in short, you support protecting the guilty and killing the innocent.

    You have to believe that the same public school idiot who can't teach 4th graders how to read is qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

    You have to believe that everyone on the internet is a pervert BUT the school officials who want to do vaginal exams on your daughter without telling you have your best interest at heart.

    You have to believe that trial lawyers are selfless heroes and doctors are overpaid.

    You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than nuclear weapons in the hands of the Red Chinese.

    You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the brilliance of the Sun, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.

    You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being gay is natural.

    You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

    You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature but pasty, fey activists who've never been outside Seattle do.

    You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

    You have to believe there was no art before federal funding.

    You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.

    You have to believe the free market that gives us 500+ channels can't deliver the quality that PBS does.

    You have to believe the NRA is bad, because they stand up for certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because they stand up for certain parts of the Constitution. You have to believe that taxes are too low but ATM fees are too high.

    You have to believe that Harriet Tubman, Cesar Chavez and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.

    You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.

    You have to believe second-hand smoke is more dangerous than HIV.

    You have to believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady and Rosie O'Donnell is not really a man who is jealous of Tom Selleck.

    You have to believe conservatives are racists but that black people couldn't make it without your help.

    You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.



Sadly this really isn't a joke

You pretty much nailed it, my friend.

[GASPASSERDELUXE]

I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with my 5-year-old granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?”
 
She said "It's Presidents' Day!"
 
She is a smart kid. So, I asked "What does Presidents' Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln ... etc.
 
She replied, "Presidents' Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."
 
You know, it hurts when coffee spurts out your nose.

[Teresa Heilevang]

[tt11758]

A young man asked his grandfather, "Grandpa, how do you feel about premarital sex?"

Grandpa replied, "It's not premarital if you don't ever marry her."

[gunman42782]

As I was driving home this week worrying about all the crap going on in
Washington and how the world seems to be falling apart and I saw a yard
sign that said:

NEED HELP?
CALL JESUS
1-800-005-3787
Out of curiosity, I did.

A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

[Sponsor]

[TAB]

A young man asked his grandfather, "Grandpa, how do you feel about premarital sex?"

Grandpa replied, "It's not premarital if you don't ever marry her."

now that I like.

[Steve Cover]

A depressed young woman in Seattle suffering from the long rainy winter was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her and said, "Look you've got a lot to live for.  I'm off to Australia in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on the ship.  I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."  Moving closer, he slipped an arm around her and added, "I'll keep you happy and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded.  What did she have to lose?

That night, the sailor covered her with a blanket, took her aboard and hid her in a life boat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit.  
They made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"I had an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained.  
"He's taking me to Australia, and every night he came and screwed me."

"He sure did lady," said the captain.
"This is the Bremerton Ferry."

[Solus]

A rich man is on his death bed and he summons his 3 most trusted friends. his doctor, priest and lawyer, to give them his last request

He tell them that he has always wanted to be able to take his fortune with him so he gives each of them $1 Million in cash with the request that they place it in the open casket just before it is closed.  They all take the money and promise to do as he asked.

At the visitation they wait to the end and are the last 3 to view their departed and place a package in the casket.

After the ceremony they meet at the wake and discuss the last request.

The doctor says he has to confess that he only put half the million in the casket and used the rest to support a medical clinic for the poor, feeling the money would do more good there than buried.

The priest said he also had that feeling and that he had kept out 10% which he used to help the homeless in his parish.

The lawyer said  "You both should be ashamed to have broken your promise!.  I was not so weak. I put in a check for the full amount."

[ellis4538]

A young man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.." I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing.
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, but... You started it."

[philw]

Why are women like clouds?
Eventually they f..k off and its a really nice day.
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Whats the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
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A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a Kit Kat Chunky?'
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.'
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My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big f....k big red mark on her forehead.
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I was at an ATM when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
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Zebu, a half blind five year old south African orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes.
Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's f....k hilarious....
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I had a dog named Minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.
Bad Minton.
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Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'
The reply from his friend......'You're so f....k lucky...Mine's still alive...'
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A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; 'f..k off, you won't bring it back.'
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2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes.
Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!'
'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My wife's an epileptic'
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