Classic joke thread...

[Hazcat]

BIRTHDAY REMINDER......

This week we celebrate a special birthday!

Monica Lewinsky turned 34.

Can you believe it?
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don't they?

crawling around.......getting stains on her clothes and experimenting with cigars......

[PegLeg45]

crawling around.......getting stains on her clothes and experimenting with cigars......

That's it...smoking cigars at such an early age is what got her in trouble in the first place.......      

[Timothy]

[Hazcat]

OOOOH what you did! 

[tt11758]

That's it...smoking cigars at such an early age is what got her in trouble in the first place.......      

I don't think cigars is what she was "smoking".

[Sponsor]

[Bill Stryker]

There were five houses of religion in a small town:
>> The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist
>> Church , the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.
>>
>> Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.
>>
>>
>> One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide
>> what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and
>> consideration they determined that the squirrels were
>> predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere
>> with God's divine will.
>>
>> In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation
>> in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a
>> cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The
>> squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there
>> the next week
>>
>> The Methodist Church got together and decided that they
>> were not in a position to harm any of God's creation.
>> So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a
>> few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels
>> were back.
>>
>> But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most
>> effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and
>> registered them as members of the church. Now they only
>> see them on Christmas , Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and
>> Easter.
>>
>> Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue,
>> but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him
>> called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on
>> the property since.

[ellis4538]

A new Publix supermarket just opened

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and brats.

In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped Miller Lite.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread &cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

[PegLeg45]

A new Publix supermarket just opened

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and brats.

In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped Miller Lite.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread &cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

I wonder what you hear on the condom aisle?          

[Teresa Heilevang]

[MikeBjerum]

A group of surgeons were sitting in the bar talking "shop."  The question was "who is the easiest to operate on.?"

The first surgeon said it was accountants, because when you open them up everything is numberes;

The second disagreed and said it was electricians, because everything is color coded;

The third quickly replied that it was librarians, because everything is alphabetical;

The forth chimed in that they were all wrong.  The easiest to operate on was a politician, because they have not heart, no guts, no spine, and the top and bottom ends are interchangeable.