Classic joke thread...

[Teresa Heilevang]

[Ichiban]

Maybe this should go in the political forum.
----------------------------------------------------------
Captain Kirk for President.

I think he might just get my vote based solely on refreshing honesty.

http://www.wikio.com/video/273999

[Teresa Heilevang]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high School
 reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging
her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asks,
 'Do you know her?'

 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I Understand
she took to drinking right after we split up those many
 years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since'

 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could
go on celebrating that long?'
 
So you see, there really are 2 ways to look at Everything.

[Teresa Heilevang]

A blonde just texted me and asked “What does IDK stand for?” I said “I don’t know” she said “OMG no one knows!”

[Teresa Heilevang]

[Sponsor]

[Bill Stryker]

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands.  I went into the local coffee shop for a snack. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.'  He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires. So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said, 'Obama '08.'  I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.  The doctor tells me that it's important to my health.

[Teresa Heilevang]

A  professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture,  no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
 When he reached the front of the room,
The professor asks, 'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Bubba replied, 'Ghost !! Well Shiiiiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said 'Goats...'

[ericire12]

John Kerry gets an eyeful!

[tt11758]

Late one night a State Trooper was watching traffic pass when he spotted a car weaving all over the road.  The tropper pulled in behind the car, turned on his lights and pulled the car over.  When he walked up to the car he was surprised to see the local parish priest behind the wheel.

"Why good evening, Father", said the trooper, "I couldn't help but notice that you were weaving all over the road as your drove.  Have you been drinking?"

"Certainly not", responds the priest.

The trooper shined his flashlight inside the car and noticed a bottle laying on the seat beside the priest.  "I don't mean to suggest that you would lie, Father," says the trooper, "but that looks suspiciously like a wine bottle on the seat beside you."

"Nonsense, my son", says the priest, "that's a bottle of holy water!"

The tropper responded, "Not that I don't trust you, father, but would you pass it to me, please?"

The priest passed the bottle to the trooper, who took a whiff of it's contents and said, "Father, your holy water smells suspiciously like wine!!"

"Well whaddaya know?" says the priest........."He's done it again!!"

[tombogan03884]

John Kerry gets an eyeful!

Can't really blame him for LOOKING,