Classic joke thread...

[MikeBjerum]

Does it come with bandages, or is that how you lost the leg Peg?

[PegLeg45]

Does it come with bandages, or is that how you lost the leg Peg?

She's mean...but not that mean.     

[Majer]

A Louisiana businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied.
He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except the Voodoo Penis!'
The husband said 'The what?'
The man repeated 'The Voodoo Penis.'
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'
The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Voodoo Penis, door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. 'Voodoo Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband immediately bought it. He took it home to his wife, and after the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said 'Voodoo Penis, my crotch.'
The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck.
Her husband had neglected to tell her how to send it back to its box!
So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said 'I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got a Voodoo Penis stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!'

[Big Frank]

Obama's first decision. 

[bjc1369]

Mr. Jones is a developer and wants to build a new office building.  He meets with a French architect and hires him to do the design.  “I will design for you the most beautiful building,” says the architect. “It will make the Mona Lisa look pale in comparison.”

Next he meets with a German engineer and hires him.  “I will build your new building with the greatest of care,” says the engineer.  “I only hire the best workers and use the best equipment.  It will be as strong as a Tiger tank.”

Mr. Jones is pleased with his choices but knowing money will be tight on the project, he hires a young man from China who is a recent graduate from the local business college to take care of supplies.  “No you worry,” the young man says, “I do number one job with supplies.”

Mr. Jones goes to the building site to see how things are going.  The architect shows his blueprints and Mr. Jones agrees the plans are spectacular.

The engineer introduces his crew of very dedicated and qualified steel workers.  They put on a short demonstration.  Mr. Jones knows they are truly the best crew and operate the finest equipment.

As Mr. Jones walks around the building site, he comes near a stack of boxes several feet high.  All of a sudden, the top of one of the boxes pops opens and the young Chinese business college graduate jumps out wearing a gorilla costume and yells: “Supplies!!!!!”

[Sponsor]

[MikeBjerum]

Sheeple rehersal for January 20th

[PegLeg45]

DO YOU FART IN BED?
IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME  KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU.   

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.
THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE.

THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.

SO EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. 
HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. 
SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.


THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. 

THEN ONE CHRISTMAS MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.

SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.

SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOTSTEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM.

THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! 
AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.

ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE.

SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT THE MATTER WAS.

HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'.

'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE.

'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED. BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN! !!!!!'

[cookie62]

Sheeple rehersal for January 20th

Thats who will be there, a bunch of asses

[bjc1369]

DO YOU FART IN BED?
IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME  KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU.   

Pray for me Peg; I did not cry, I did not laugh.  That's because I have been trained by the CIA (BTW, you did not hear that from me) not to laugh.  I once watched a hundred hours of the 3 Stooges and every time I laughed, chuckled, or even cracked a smile, someone would poke me in the balls with a cattle prod.

Is your story funny?  Yes.  But I did not laugh!

Col. Flagg, US Army

[PegLeg45]

Pray for me Peg; I did not cry, I did not laugh.  That's because I have been trained by the CIA (BTW, you did not hear that from me) not to laugh.  I once watched a hundred hours of the 3 Stooges and every time I laughed, chuckled, or even cracked a smile, someone would poke me in the balls with a cattle prod.

Is your story funny?  Yes.  But I did not laugh!

Col. Flagg, US Army

Your statement, sir, is electrifying.