Im going crazy, need advice.

[sksmedic]

I apologize for what I am about to dump on you guys but I could use some advice.

Before I can get to my issue, I must provide a little bit of background information. I live in a small town near my parents. I am a paramedic and have been for several years. I have seen most everything. My little sister and my girlfriend are also both paramedics for the same company I work for.

8 weeks ago while I was off duty my sister calls me. She was on duty. My girlfriend was on duty as well.  Anyways, my sister calls me and says that she just heard our parents address over the radio for a possible shooting. She asked me to look into it. I contacted my girlfriend who contacted dispatch who confirmed the address was correct. I tore ass up to my parents house. My girlfriend called the responding crew and advised them that I was en route. I tried to call my dad but it kept going straight to voicemail.

My parents live in a mountainous area with a shitty dirt road. As I headed up it, the ambulance was having trouble. They moved out of my way and I continued to my parents house. I found the fire dept had just arrived. As I approached the house I could see that the garage door was open. The fire captain didn't initially recognize me and tried to hole me back. I made it past him into the garage to encounter my mother on the floor with a single self inflicted gunshot wound to the head. The wound wasn't huge or grotesque.

I made it to her side where the fire crew had begun to apply the cardiac monitor. The fire medic recognized me and I began to assist him. My assessment findings were grim. She was warm and in most cases would have been "workable" except for the head trauma. I made my way to my dad and picked him up off the floor. He had been performing cpr until everyone got there. About the time I made it to my dad, the ambulance medic pulled me aside and asked what my wishes were. She told me that everyone was here for me and they would do anything I asked. I requested a no bullshit assessment from her. I was pretty sure my assessment was correct but I wanted her opinion. Her opinion matched mine. Nothing else could be done.

While I was at my mom's side, I was ice cold like I always am on bad calls. I stayed emotionally detached until about 10 pm that night. Then I lost it. I made a piss poor decision and drank shit load of whiskey. (I am not a drinker) I actually drank more than I ever had in my life.  I got really sick and I haven't drank since.

Law enforcement then conducted an investigation in which they checked my dad for GSR. The coroner then transported my mom  to the morgue. After the investigation was complete, my mom was released to the funeral home. We had a "final goodbye" and then a small service.

Fast forward 8 weeks. I am still a mess. I have returned to work and am still able to perform my job as good as ever without any issues. My problem is that I can't get the images of that day out of my head. If I stay busy, it's not as bad, but when I have down time my mind wonders. It's all I think about. I have dreams where my mom is there almost every night. Then I wake up and remember what happened.

I started crossfit and for the time that I am there, all I can focus on is not puking up a lung. Afterwards, things go back to how they were. Constant images. I find myself creating little projects just to stay busy.  I started a youtube channel and have made several (dumb)  DIY type videos. I rebuilt the engine on my car and re-installed it. I organized and re-organized my office at home. I try to stay busy, but the images keep creeping their way in.

Does anyone here have any advice on how to deal this? At this point, I am open to anything.

[tombogan03884]

First off, you ARE NOT GOING CRAZY .
Your body and brain are processing a bad experience.
You should talk to some one like your preacher, or some one experienced in grief or PTSD counseling .
Other than a bar tender.  

[Pathfinder]

First off, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. It is tough losing our parents, but this situation makes it all the worse. I have lost both of mine to "natural" causes, but it doesn't help much.

As for the thoughts, you seriously need to talk with someone you respect and trust - a pastor / minister / priest, someone like that, trained to help people in tough times. I am not recommending a social worker, although some are good, but that's a crap shoot. If you don't attend church regularly, ask around, find a church with a strong men's ministry, not one of the ones that's woman-led or woman-centric. Then talk with the minister there.

I'd stay away from EMS shrinks for obvious reasons, not sure what would go back to the department.

SKS, you ain't gonna solve this on your own. Trust me on this, you need to talk this out. Exercise, as you discovered, only masks the issues short-term.

Good luck, brother, and again - my sincerest condolences to you, your Dad, and your family.

[TAB]

The only thing that will make things better is time. 

[Solus]

Remember the good times....the good images.....

Find your best images of  your mom when you were happiest around her.

Remember the best every day...every chance you get...and especially when your last images of her intrude. 

Overlay them with the happy ones...the best ones...made these good ones your natural response when you think of  your mom.

And think of her often...of the best times.

[Sponsor]

[ellis4538]

My prayers go out to you!

God Bless,

Richard

[DaverZ]

My condolences,sorry for your loss

[twyacht]

My sincere condolances for your loss. This was a traumatic event. Everyone that has truly experienced one, deals with it in different ways, however, there are beneficial options.

Take care of your Father, comfort him in his time of pain and loss. Don't focus on the "why", just be there for eachother, the family as well.
If your inclined, seek the advice and comfort of clergy, they are a conduit to God. They have words of comfort, support, and have a good ear and shoulder to assist, there is support there.

Sounds like your from a small(er) town, most folks know everybody, or damn near. Go to the VFW, Moose Lodge, Elks, etc,.. and be around Veterans, and community folks that run a charity, whatever, I can almost assure you that many of them have lost loved ones, whether at home or on a battlefield. They have suffered traumatic loss and may have something to contribute.

Those that have been there can often help in healing without saying a word, or damn few.

Again, I am truly sorry for your loss. You are not going crazy, nothing may heal the images you have endured but there is support, prayers, and comfort to continue living.

Psalm 147:3
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

God Bless

tw

[fatbaldguy]

Stay away from the booze.  My mom died in 1977, I was 18.  I tried to drown the memories in booze for 30 years.  Didn't work.

Don't not think about her.  Memories are all you have, cherish them, ALL of them.

The traumatic event you witnessed/participated in will be a wound that is slow to heal.  You have received good advice about speaking to other strong men, as much as strong men speak about such things, words will be few, but, they will have great meaning.  Ponder them.

Spend time with your Dad.  Just be around him.  Neither of you have to say anything.

If you are inclined, a counselor, psychologist, or therapist is always an option.

If you pray, do so, a lot.

You can always vent off some frustration here too, you know.

[locnload]

SKSMEDIC, I am so sorry you had to go through this. As a firefighter/EMT in a rural area for over 20 years I have run calls on many neighbors and friends with bad outcomes. Fortunately I have been spared the psychological trauma of attending a loved ones death.

There is no shame in reaching out for help, do not try to deal with this alone. Whether you talk to a Dr., therapist, or just a close friend, do it now and do it until you get the gut wrenching feeling out of your system. Go out and sit around a camp fire tonight and talk until it turns to crying, cry until it turns to laughing, and repeat as necessary. Some memories will go on and even time wont stop them, but things will get better. Guys don't like to "bare their souls" especially to a love interest for fear of looking weak. Your girl friend, if she is a keeper, will help to see you through this and be glad that you are not only a manly man, but one with a heart, soul, and compassion. Last but not least, your Dad needs you now too. Imagine the feelings you are having and multiply it by ten.
Best of luck to you, take care of yourself, and keep us posted. If a vacation trip to Colorado will help, I've got a free place you can stay and we will show you some great country.