Classic joke thread...

[Pathfinder]

I don't think I want to know what is meant by "still getting yours". 

Nice try, Loafer Boy!!!   

[Pathfinder]

Haz,, that is what I was thinking..................
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.. Pathfinder??~~??  I am more than a little worried about you..
And I don't know if I even want to hear you try to explain. 

 

Hey, don't knock it if you haven't tried it. 

Moving the cows from pasture to pasture, corralling them, loading and unloading them, not necessarily in that order; feeding them, getting them out of the way so you can put a salt block out, stuff like that.

[Bill Stryker]

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."   

[Teresa Heilevang]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see a well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr.Chang, so she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose."
The woman did as she was told.
 "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr.Chang then said, "OK,now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
So she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
 Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

[tombogan03884]

If you were around in 1919 (just before Prohibition started) and your gender was male......
and you came upon the following poster.........


Would you quit drinking ?
 

What sighted person would even consider kissing those dour old biddies. You would think that women that homely would encourage drunkenness to avoid the stigma of spinster hood.

[Sponsor]

[Teresa Heilevang]

Two Mexicans are riding along the Pacific Coast
Highway on a motorbike.  They experience a break
down and start to hitch a ride. A friendly trucker
stops to see if he can be of some help and the
Mexicans ask him for a lift. The driver tells them
he has no room in the trailer as he is carrying
10,000 bowling balls.  The Mexicans ask that if they
can manage to fit in the back with their bike, will
he take them to the next town and he agrees.

 
They manage to squeeze their motorcycle and
themselves into the back of the trailer so the
driver shuts the doors and gets back on his way. By
this time he is really late and so he puts the pedal
down.   Sure enough, the California Highway Patrol pulls him
over for speeding. The good officer asks the driver
what he is carrying, to which he replies jokingly,
"Mexican eggs."  The policeman obviously doesn't
believe this, so he wants to take a look. He opens
the back door of the trailer and quickly shuts it
and locks it.  He gets on his radio and calls for immediate backup
from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher
asks what emergency he has that requires so many
officers. 
"I've got a trailer with 10,000 Mexican eggs in it .
Only 2 have hatched so far, but they've already
managed to steal a motorcycle."

 

[Pathfinder]

What sighted person would even consider kissing those dour old biddies. You would think that women that homely would encourage drunkenness to avoid the stigma of spinster hood.

Like Seinfeld said, 95% of the world is undateable - have you been to the DMV lately?.

Elaine: "So how are they all getting together?"

Seinfeld: "Alcohol!"

[jerry]

CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite
her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time
the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the
driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for
himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on
the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a
sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she
moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the
swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that
said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that
said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone else!!

[jerry]

Definition of tools

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DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh darn!"

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. Can also be used to cut its own power cord.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Also used to pinch soft flesh into blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Additionaly useful for trimming fingernails below the growth line.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub from which you wish to remove the bearing.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

METAL SNIPS: A tool used for cutting crooked lines in metal where you want straight ones.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

[Hazcat]

Jerry,

This is supposed to be a JOKE thread....not a list of the most accurate definitions I have ever read!