Author Topic: Classic joke thread...  (Read 1357637 times)

Hazcat

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #450 on: April 11, 2008, 06:57:49 AM »
I had cows like that - dumb as a sack of hammers. And they could kick, so you did have to prove your intelligence by staying out of their way while still getting yours.

I don't think I want to know what is meant by "still getting yours".  :o
All tipoes and misspelings are copi-righted.  Pleeze do not reuse without ritten persimmons  :D

Hazcat

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #451 on: April 11, 2008, 07:03:39 AM »
The International Council of Man Laws.


 

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not

the weakest.

 



Men don't ride in a mini-bus, they rent an RV!   ;D
All tipoes and misspelings are copi-righted.  Pleeze do not reuse without ritten persimmons  :D

Teresa Heilevang

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #452 on: April 11, 2008, 02:01:44 PM »
I don't think I want to know what is meant by "still getting yours".  :o


Haz,, that is what I was thinking..................
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.. Pathfinder??~~??  I am more than a little worried about you..
And I don't know if I even want to hear you try to explain.  :-X

 ;D ;D ;D
"Well Behaved Women Rarely Make History ! "
 

Teresa Heilevang

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #453 on: April 11, 2008, 02:02:19 PM »
This is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have
it published in the New York Times.
  (verified by Snopes)



Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to
pay my plumber last Month. By my calculations, three
nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the
arrival in my account Of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to
the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which,
I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended
for seizing that brief WIndow of opportunity, and also for debiting my
account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me
to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your
telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the
impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has
become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to
open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I
require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages,
but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her
medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory
details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled
it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account
balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON
FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

# 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

# 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping

# 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

# 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that
Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

# 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

# 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The
contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service.

# 10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on
occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
will play for the duration Of the call regrettably, but again following your
example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this
new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client


(Remember: This was written by an 86 year old woman)
'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE " US SENIORS" !!!!!

And remember; Don't make old ladies mad. They don't
like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to set them off.
"Well Behaved Women Rarely Make History ! "
 

Teresa Heilevang

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #454 on: April 11, 2008, 02:45:16 PM »
If you were around in 1919 (just before Prohibition started) and your gender was male......
and you came upon the following poster.........


Would you quit drinking ?

 

"Well Behaved Women Rarely Make History ! "
 

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #455 on: Today at 07:15:55 AM »

Hazcat

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #455 on: April 11, 2008, 02:53:59 PM »
My only response would be .......

WHO'S GOT THE TEQUILA?? ;D
All tipoes and misspelings are copi-righted.  Pleeze do not reuse without ritten persimmons  :D

MikeBjerum

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #456 on: April 11, 2008, 03:19:18 PM »
I sure hope this works.  I'm lucky to know how to turn a computer on, but that's not the joke today.

This is an updated version of a classic ...
If I appear taller than other men it is because I am standing on the shoulders of others.

MikeBjerum

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #457 on: April 11, 2008, 03:21:31 PM »
If you were around in 1919 (just before Prohibition started) and your gender was male......
and you came upon the following poster.........


Would you quit drinking ?

 



BEER - Helping the ugly get laid since 1845!
If I appear taller than other men it is because I am standing on the shoulders of others.

TAB

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #458 on: April 11, 2008, 03:51:05 PM »
If you were around in 1919 (just before Prohibition started) and your gender was male......
and you came upon the following poster.........


Would you quit drinking ?

 




I would have to drink to kiss them.
I always break all the clay pigeons,  some times its even with lead.

Outlaw

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #459 on: April 11, 2008, 04:50:11 PM »
GRANDMA'S BIRTH CONTROL

This doctor had been seeing an 80 year old woman for
most of her life. He finally retired.

At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring
a list of all her medications that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his
eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control
pills.

'Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL
pills?'

'Yes, they help me sleep at night.'

'Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING
in these that could possibly help you sleep.'

She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee.
'Yes, dear, I know that.
But every morning, I grind one up and mix it the glass
of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter
drinks....................and believe me, it helps me sleep at night.'

You Gotta Watch Them Grandmas..........God Love Them

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
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