Classic joke thread...

[Badgersmilk]

http://www.maniacworld.com/farting-in-a-phone-booth.html

[Johnny Bravo]

http://www.maniacworld.com/farting-in-a-phone-booth.html

That's just wrong.........funny though. That will get her off the phone.

[seeker_two]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hC-9SCmBOHc&feature=player_embedded#

Wow....tough day....

[MikeBjerum]

Making a baby. This is hilarious!

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.' 

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' 

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.' 

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?' 

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!' 

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.' 

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.' 

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said. 

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.' 

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs Smith fainted

[PegLeg45]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u3ZCvdjyvzI

[Sponsor]

[laemperatriz]

     A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.  'The material
 we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting
 here, years ago. Red meat is awful.  Soft drinks corrode your stomach
 lining.  Chinese food is loaded with MSG.  High fat diets can be
 disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
 germs in our drinking water.  However, there is one thing that is the
 most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone
here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering
 for years after eating it?'  After several seconds of quiet, a
 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
 'Wedding Cake.'

 ************************************************************************
     Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the
 Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old
 blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful
 sex appeal and charm, and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently
 to his every word.  His buddies at the club are all aghast.  At the very
 first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy
 girlfriend?'  Bob replies, 'Girlfriend?  She's my wife!'  They are
 knocked over, but continue to ask.  'So, how'd you persuade her to marry
 you?'  'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her--you
 were only 50?'  Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

 ************************************************************************


      Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland.  As
 they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the
 process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.  She
 showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they
 no longer produce.'  She then asked, 'What do you do in America with
 your old goats?'  A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus
 tours!

[Hazcat]

Good ones! 

[PegLeg45]

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.

If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"

"I regret I cannot," lamented the first Arab. "It is  permanently stuck in my butt."

"I do not  understand," said the other.

The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American Flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out.
"He then said, 'I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.'..........I said, 'No sh*t?'"

[philw]

Three guys were talking one morning about how drunk they were when they left the pub the night before.

1st guy: Man, I was so drunk that last night I got home and before I knew it, I was blowing chunks.

2nd guy: Oh yeah? Well, I was so drunk that on the way home I fell over the hedge and woke up in the garden.

3rd guy: That's nothing. I was so drunk that once I got home, I walked face first into the hallway mirror and broke the bloody thing!

1st guy: No, no, hang on guys, you don't understand! Chunks is the name of my dog.

[tombogan03884]

Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is


It true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin

People to git cancer ?"


"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.


"And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer


makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all Them burgers


an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"


"Sure is, Bubba."


"And that lady sued Mc Don alds for millions when she Was burnt from that hot coffee that she ordered?"


"Yep."


"And that football player sued that university when he


Gradiated and still couldn't read?"


"That's right," said the lawyer."
"But why are you asking?"


"Well, I was thinkin...


What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all


them ugly women I slept with?"