Classic joke thread...

[Solus]

FIFY.

 

I wonder if you intended the double meaning there?

[tombogan03884]

BLACK BRA size 38 D
The Business Deal

A Chinese guy goes into a Jewish-owned establishment to buy black bras, size 38 D. The Jewish store keeper, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Chinese guy buys 25 bras.

He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.

The Jewish owner tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store's remaining stock of

50, and this time for $75.00 each.
The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 D bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"

The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to Jewish men for $200.00 each."

...and this is why the Chinese own us!

[PegLeg45]

I wonder if you intended the double meaning there?

I was having a slow day and didn't........

.......but now that you mention it..........   




I haven't been to the corner in a while........           

[PegLeg45]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.

I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.

I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep.
They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

[Solus]

Well, I guess this can be called a joke....at least the lyrics show some wit.

and found another version

Well, looks like Obama has been responsible for creating one new industry....gonna stop looking

[Sponsor]

[crusader rabbit]

Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With 25 Cal Pistol

This is a story of self control and marksmanship with an itsy bitsy shooter by a woman against a fierce predator.
What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?
The Beretta Jetfire:
While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!
Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took…….the bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
It's one of the best pistols in my collection……...

[Big Frank]

That joke reminds me of badgersmilk but he preferred a .22.

[Majer]

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman,

"I still prefer the pubs back home.

In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Shahan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another,
all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
"Did this actually happen to you,Paddy ?"

"Not me meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

[gunman42782]

             The Marine

ONCE A MARINE ALWAYS A MARINE! >> On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Marine , and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married"

She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?

He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said: Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out!"

She giggled and said, "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight ?"

He looked her up and down and said, " Mission Accomplished."

[billt]

Here is latest Obama program to help us out. It is aimed at semi-older and older workers, 50+ years of age.

It is called RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
If you are RAPED, you can apply for SHAFT (Special Help After Forced Retirement).
If RAPED and SHAFTED, you can request a review under SCREW (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
You can be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice, but SCREWED on end forever under normal Government Guidelines.
Also, If RAPED, you are eligible for AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents and Spouses).
Or alternatively you can apply for HERPES (Half earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Any persons receiving AIDS or HERPES: WILL NOT HENCEFORTH BE SHAFTED OR SCREWED BY THE GOVERNMENT (unless needed for budget purposes).
For those persons not RAPED and stay on at work, they will receive SHIT (Special High Intensity Training).
Government takes pride in the amount of SHIT it gives its people.

Signed: Committee for the Economic Value of Individual Lives (EVIL).
Cosigned: Barak Obama, President.

PS: Due to pending Budget Cuts, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.