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Author Topic: Classic joke thread...  (Read 1371343 times)

tombogan03884

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1520 on: February 27, 2009, 02:19:30 PM »
Quote from: philw on February 27, 2009, 04:40:45 AM
I wish this is a joke  ( apparently it is not though )

http://www.theoldpinebox.com/peta_coffins.html







I hope they fill a lot of them. Some more Salmonella tainted tomatoes could help.  ;D
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sanjuancb

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1521 on: February 27, 2009, 02:40:35 PM »
There was a PETA guy handing out fliers at my university's Student Union today---I went to buy a giant tub of beef jerky to hand out next to him but when I got back he was gone!    :'(
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"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."
Theodore Roosevelt

Big Frank

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1522 on: February 27, 2009, 07:09:48 PM »
I heard someone say meat is food. Vegetables are what food eats.  :)
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""It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even his personal services to the defence of it, and consequently that the Citizens of America (with a few legal and official exceptions) from 18 to 50 Years of Age should be borne on the Militia Rolls, provided with uniform Arms, and so far accustomed to the use of them, that the Total strength of the Country might be called forth at a Short Notice on any very interesting Emergency." - George Washington. Letter to Alexander Hamilton, Friday, May 02, 1783

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philw

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1523 on: February 27, 2009, 09:36:15 PM »
Quote from: jumbofrank on February 27, 2009, 07:09:48 PM
I heard someone say meat is food. Vegetables are what food eats.  :)


at work we use iChat   here are a sample of the status's I use ( have a couple of Vegies about the place

I'm a vegetarian......I only eat things that eat grass!
There will always be room for all God's Creatures .. Yep!! Right Next to the mashed Potatoes.....
If God did not want us to eat animals they why are they made of meat?
A LAMB a Day  Keeps the VEGANS Away..
Cats belong in a cage, IE a Crab Pot
Cat goes thwack not meow
I Love Cats, (I Just couldn't eat a whole one)
I'm a CHOP!       Chauvinistic, Homophobic, Opinionated Prick
I was going to ask them 'what do you do with barbecue sauce if you can't put it on meat? What can you do? Put it on salad?
For every animal you don't eat, I'm going to eat four.
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m25operator

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1524 on: February 27, 2009, 09:45:29 PM »
Not a joke, a herbivore, must eat all day, to keep it's strength, a carnivore eats the herbivore, and gets everything it ate plus the herbivore, and does not have to eat so often. Just makes sense.
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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1525 on: Today at 02:20:26 PM »
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MikeBjerum

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1525 on: February 27, 2009, 10:03:35 PM »
Quote from: jumbofrank on February 27, 2009, 07:09:48 PM
I heard someone say meat is food. Vegetables are what food eats.  :)

All of God's creatures have a place ... on a plate right between the potatoes and vegetables  ;D
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tombogan03884

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1526 on: February 27, 2009, 10:41:51 PM »
 I like vegetables, I've worked for some who paid quite well.
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PegLeg45

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1527 on: February 28, 2009, 08:34:57 PM »
A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it, as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.   

"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something".

He stops and eventually mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.   

Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.

Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries, she feels a rumble and suddenly gets "the urge".

She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
 
When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.

She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet!

She calls her doctor.

The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, and he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
   
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.

Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.   

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks. 

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"   
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"I expect perdition, I always have. I keep this building at my back, and several guns handy, in case perdition arrives in a form that's susceptible to bullets. I expect it will come in the disease form, though. I'm susceptible to diseases, and you can't shoot a damned disease." ~ Judge Roy Bean, Streets of Laredo

For the Patriots of this country, the Constitution is second only to the Bible for most. For those who love this country, but do not share my personal beliefs, it is their Bible. To them nothing comes before the Constitution of these United States of America. For this we are all labeled potential terrorists. ~ Dean Garrison

"When it comes to the enemy, just because they ain't pullin' a trigger, doesn't mean they ain't totin' ammo for those that are."~PegLeg

PegLeg45

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1528 on: February 28, 2009, 08:44:19 PM »
Our troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense of humor with the following 'YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN REDNECK IF...'
 
1.   You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
 
2.   You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
 
3.   You have more wives than teeth.
 
4.   You wipe your rear with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'
 
5.   You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
 
6.  You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
 
7.  You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
 
8.  You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off bombs.
 
9.  You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
 
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
 
11. You normally bathe monthly whether necessary or  not.
 
12. You have a crush on your neighbor's goat.
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"I expect perdition, I always have. I keep this building at my back, and several guns handy, in case perdition arrives in a form that's susceptible to bullets. I expect it will come in the disease form, though. I'm susceptible to diseases, and you can't shoot a damned disease." ~ Judge Roy Bean, Streets of Laredo

For the Patriots of this country, the Constitution is second only to the Bible for most. For those who love this country, but do not share my personal beliefs, it is their Bible. To them nothing comes before the Constitution of these United States of America. For this we are all labeled potential terrorists. ~ Dean Garrison

"When it comes to the enemy, just because they ain't pullin' a trigger, doesn't mean they ain't totin' ammo for those that are."~PegLeg

Majer

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1529 on: March 01, 2009, 07:06:56 PM »
MY Living Will

I,__________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. 

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills. 

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

Guns
ammo
Cup of coffee                                                     
Margarita
Sex
guns
ammo
Martini
Cold Beer
Chocolate
Chicken fried steak
Cream gravy
Sex
guns
Mexican food
Chocolate
French fries
Chocolate
Pizza
Sex
guns
ammo
Ice cream
Cup of coffee
Chocolate
guns
Sex
ammo
Chocolate
ammo
guns

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, let the 'fat lady sing,' and call it a day!
Have a Drink  IT'S 5 O'CLOCK SOMEWHERE
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Gun control is like trying to reduce drunk driving by making it tougher for sober people to own cars!!!
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Es gibt keine Notwendigkeit zu befürchten, Underdog hier ist.
Great nations rise and fall. The people go from bondage to spiritual truth, to great courage, from courage to liberty, from liberty to abundance, from abundance to selfishness, from selfishness to complacency, from complacency to apathy, from apathy to dependence, from dependence back again to bondage. Where are we now??????
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