Classic joke thread...

[tt11758]

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head were in an elevator when a handsome man stepped in. After a couple of floors he leaves the elevator .

After he left the red head said "Man was he hot!" the brunette said "Yeah but he could use some head and shoulders"

The blonde thought for a while and said "How do you give a man shoulders?"

[PegLeg45]

Catherine, pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office.

After the exam, she shyly began to ask, "My husband wants me to ask you if......"

"I know, I know," the doctor interrupted, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked the same question all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it," Catherine confessed, "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

[tt11758]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, “Jesus is watching you.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the flashlight on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching you.”

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” the burglar hissed at the parrot.

“Yep,” the parrot confessed, and then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.” The burglar relaxed, “Warn me, huh?” Who in the world are you?

“Moses,” replied the bird. “Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”

“The kind of people that would name a Pit Bull Jesus!!!”

[philw]

Dear People of Australia

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).


Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).


Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate.


Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.


Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The has government always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.



Sincerely,
KRudd
Parliament House
Australia

[ellis4538]

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that
they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is
for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at
me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would
get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl
could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think
that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

"And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd
love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell
everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound
pride.

"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the
Marines could blow the shit out of him

[Sponsor]

[Teresa Heilevang]

WHAT  IS A GRANDPARENT?
(Taken from papers written by  a class of 8-year-olds) 

Grandparents  are a lady and a man who have no little children of  their own. They like other  people's. 

A  grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a  lady! 

Grandparents  don't have to do anything except be there when we  come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't  play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the  shops and give us money. 

When  they take us for walks, they slow down past things  like pretty leaves and caterpillars. 

They  show us and talk to us about the colors of the  flowers and also why we shouldn't step on  'cracks.' 

They  don't say, 'Hurry up.' 

Usually  grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your  shoes. 

They  wear glasses and funny  underwear. 

They  can take their teeth and gums  out. 

Grandparents  don't have to be smart. 

They  have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God  married?' and 'How come dogs chase  cats?' 

When  they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if  we ask for the same story over  again. 

Everybody  should try to have a grandmother, especially if you  don't have television because they are the only  grownups who like to spend time with  us. 

They  know we should have snack time before bed time, and  they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've  acted bad. 

A  6-YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA  LIVED. ''OH,''  HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE  WANT HER, WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE  HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE  AIRPORT.'' 

GRANDPA  IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD  THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS  SMART AS HIM! 

It's  funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and  they blame their  dog. 

[ellis4538]

Upon hearing  that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went  straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-  year-old grandmother to comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.' Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. 'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the  church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice  and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.' She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued... 'He'd still be  alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along

[Pathfinder]

Upon hearing  that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went  straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-  year-old grandmother to comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.' Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. 'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the  church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice  and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.' She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued... 'He'd still be  alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along

Now I don't care where you're from, that's funny right there!

[ellis4538]

Yep, just bet I take my hearing aids out at night!!!!!

Richard

[ellis4538]

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples:
 1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.   
(On an airplane!)   
2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown.  While I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, she interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts "  Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa '' Her response - click.
    3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando .   He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.  I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!''20(OMG)
  4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''   I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But they look so close on the map.  (OMG, again!)
  5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas    When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas .  When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)   
 6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
  7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' She replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a20tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!'' After putting her on hold for a minute, while I looked into it (I was dying laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
 8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii .  After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California , and then take the train to Hawaii ?''
 9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?'' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''
 10. A lady Senator called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''   I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane. She said,  ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''   11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many time s and never had to have one of those.'' I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, ''Look, I' ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''
  12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .'' I was at a loss for words.  Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?'' ''Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, ''I 'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere.' ''The lady retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is.  Check your map!'' So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?'' The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''
     Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!  Could anyone be this DUMB?
  YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED!