Classic joke thread...

[Outlaw]

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends.  Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his granddaughter.

 

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all.  Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.  When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?"

"Oh yes, PaPa" the girl replied, "and do you know what?  We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head anywhere we went today!"


Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it       

 

[Bill Stryker]

I think that is because grandma doesn't know how to drive.

[Dakotaranger]

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her BMW, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her BMW, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her BMW, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Minnesota and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

[Dakotaranger]

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said,
"Give me your money."
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden
attack, said "You cannot do this,
I'm a United States Congressman!"
The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"
As seen on Comedy Central's website.

[Outlaw]

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.


Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"

. . . . . After a moment of silence, he farted.

[Sponsor]

[Teresa Heilevang]

THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were
when they were growing up; what with walking
twenty-five miles to school every morning ... Uphill BOTH ways........
Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
there was no way in hell I was going to lay
a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it.
And how easy they've got it!
But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of
thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
cildhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you just
don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the
Internet . If we wanted to know something,
we had to go to the musty dim lighted damn library and
look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write
somebody a letter with a pen!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street  and
put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to
steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the damned
 DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting!
 If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was!
It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your
bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you
just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video
games with high-resolution 3-D graphics!
We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and
'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square!
You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels
 or screens, it was just one screen....... Forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting
harder and harder and faster and faster until you died!
 Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such
thing as stadium seating!
All the seats were the same height!
 If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat
sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that
was only like 15 channels.
And there was no on screen menu and no remote
control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide
to find out what was on! You were screwed when it
came to channel surfing! You had to get off
your ass and walk over to the TV to change the
damn channel and there was no Cartoon Network either!
You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning.
 Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK
for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat
something up we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire ..
Imagine that! If we wanted modern new fangled popcorn, we had
 to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove
forever like an idiot. And the shit STILL burned. And we ate it!

That's exactly what I'm talking about!

You kids today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted
Five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,
The over 30 Crowd
 
 

[tombogan03884]

 Where's the joke ? 

[Teresa Heilevang]

  I know.. but the wording of it kinda made me smile.. ( kinda)     

[Hazcat]

Names that should never be hyphenated!

http://cbs13.com/slideshows/Married.Names.Hyphenate.20.462840.html?rid=0

[Outlaw]

Damn....Marhall'ette! You had cable T.V. growing up? We had frickin Howdy Doody and Ed Sullivan and those stupid ass Space Ranger muppet-hung-by-strings thingys that flew through space and the smoke from the rockets always went up in the air instead of straight out behind the rocket. Halfway through the movie the sound would go out on the T.V. Ever tried to read a space ranger-hung-by-a-string-thingy mannnequins lips when you were ten years old? Geeezzz life sucked back then. I wonder if child suicide rate was higher back then

Cheers,
J.C.