Classic joke thread...

[ellis4538]

Yes it is.....and I'm a Demacrat!

Richard

[tt11758]

Yes it is.....and I'm a Demacrat!

Richard

Oh well, nobody's perfect.   

[Bill Stryker]

An  older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his  side.  He  told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The  jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more  special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special  stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only  $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled  and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this  said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be  made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure  my check is good, so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank  Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday  afternoon," he said.


 Monday  morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "Sir, there's no money in that account."

"I  know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my  weekend!"

 All  Seniors Aren't Senile

[1911 Junkie]

      How to say “I love you” in 25 languages:

      English
      I Love You

      Spanish
      Te Amo

      French
      Je T'aime

      German
      lch Liebe Dich

      Japanese
      Ai Shite Imasu

      Thai
      Phom rak khun

      Italian
      Ti amo

      Chinese
      Wo Ai Ni

      Swedish
      Jag Alskar

      Alabama
      Arkansas
      Kansas
      Oklahoma
      Texas
      North Carolina
      Georgia
      Tennessee
      Missouri
      Mississippi
      Louisiana
      Virginia
      West Virginia
      Kentucky
      and parts of Florida

      Nice Ass , Get in the truck

[tt11758]

Winnie The Pooh Weighs In On The Swine Flu:

[Sponsor]

[PegLeg45]

The thread about wolves made me think of this oldie.......

There is no arguing with cowboy logic.

The Sierra Club and the US Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the growing wolf population.

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled.

This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally, an old boy in the in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. The wolves ain't screwin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em."

[MikeBjerum]

The thread about wolves made me think of this oldie.......

There is no arguing with cowboy logic.

The Sierra Club and the US Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the growing wolf population.

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled.

This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally, an old boy in the in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. The wolves ain't screwin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em."

And now we understand why as the sex drive declines the waist line expands ...

Once the only enjoyable areobic exercise man has ever known is no longer available what is there left to do but eat 

[MikeBjerum]

And now for a story I remembered when reading Michael's comments on his age ...

Ole had come down with a bug, and after weeks of trying everything he was getting worse instead of better.

Lena finally convinced him to see the doctor, but being too weak to venture out the doctor made a house call.

After examining Ole the doctor wanted to talk to Lena out in the hall, but Ole insisted he be a part of the conversation.

The doctor appologized, and said there was nothing that could be done.  It was just a matter of time and Ole would be gone.

Ole pled with the doctor to do something ... do anything ... "I'm not ready yet, I'll try anything!"

The doctor thought on it and finally said "Well there is something you could do."  "Mud packs!"  "Start out slow ... a couple a day, and as you feel up to it add more until you are taking three mud baths a day."

Ole brightened up and promised to do it faithfully, and then he asked "Will it really work?  Will it cure me?"

The doctor replied "I doubt it, but it WILL help you get used to the dirt."

[MikeBjerum]

Ole had been extremely ill for several weeks and seemed to be getting worse.

The doctor had visited several times, but he could not seem to find a problem or a cure.

One afternoon, after sleeping most of the day, Ole woke to the smell of fresh chocolate chip cookies.

He took a deep breath and sighed "My dear Lena ... She has made my favorite cookies!"

He mustered up all his strength and rolled out of bed.  He slid across the floor and down the stairs.  He slowly crawled through the living and dining rooms to the kitchen, all the way thinking about the gift the love of his life had made for him.

As he reached the kitchen table he took a deep breath and struggled to pull himself up to table hight.  And there ... right in front of his eyes was the biggest pile of fresh, hot, chocolate chip cookies he had ever seen.  All steaming hot and fresh.  Ohhhhhhh ... his loving bride was soooooo sweet!

As he summoned every bit of strength in his body he reached out for the pile, and WHACKsize] ... Lena wrapped him on the knuckles with a wooden spoon ... ""Don't Touch Them ... They're for your funeral!"

[long762range]

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker .

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
;
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection..

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma