Classic joke thread...

[Teresa Heilevang]

PA SLEEPS NAKED


"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.


"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"


Now, Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by that.


Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.


"You see, Miss Crabtree, out at the ranch we got this here low down coyote. The last few nights, he done ate six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!''


"Stay back, he whispered to all us kids!"


"He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double barreled 12 gauge shot gun through the window of the coop."


"As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog, Zeke, had done woke up and comes sneaking' up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Zeke stuck his cold nose in Daddy's crack!"


"Miss Crabtree, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!"

[jaybet]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your
mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that
money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Bra d Pitt I would sleep
with! him in a heart beat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep
with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million
bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back
to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between
'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on
three million dollars .

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo

[PegLeg45]

With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice. 

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in later this year:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally...

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang

[PegLeg45]

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
    1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
    2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
    3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
    4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
    5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
    6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
     
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
    1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
    2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
    3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
    4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
    5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
    6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
    7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
    1 -- You believe in Santa Claus.
    2 -- You don't believe in Santa Claus.
    3 -- You are Santa Claus.
    4 -- You look like Santa Claus.
     
SUCCESS:
    At age 4, success is . . . . not peeing in your pants.
    At age 12, success is . . . having friends.
    At age 17, success is . . . having a driver's license.
    At age 35, success is . . . having money.
    At age 50, success is . . . having money.
    At age 70, success is . . . having a drivers license.
    At age 75, success is . . . having friends.
    At age 80, success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
     

[PegLeg45]

A senior citizen's group charters a bus from Brooklyn to Atlantic City.

As they entered New Jersey, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says "I've just been molested!

The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.

A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested.

The driver starts to think he may have a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?

About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.

The bus driver decides that he'd had enough, and pulls into the first rest area.

When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.

"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" says the bus driver.

"I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I grab it, it keeps running away”.

[Sponsor]

[Bill Stryker]

Notice to All  Employees

   

    As of November 5, 2008, when President Obama is officially elected into
    office, our company will install a few new policies which are in keeping
    with his new, inspiring issues of change and fairness:

   

    1. All salespeople will be pooling their sales and
    bonuses into a common pool that will be divided equally between all of
    you. This will serve to give those of you who are underachieving a
    “fair shake.”

   

    2. All low level workers will be pooling their
    wages, including overtime, into a common pool, dividing it equally amongst
    yourselves. This will help those who are “too busy for
    overtime” to reap the rewards from those who have more spare time and
    can work extra hours.

   

    3. All top management will now be referred to as
    “the government.” We will not participate in this
    “pooling” experience because the law doesn't apply to us.

   

    4. The “government” will give eloquent
    speeches to all employees every week, encouraging it's workers to continue
    to work hard “for the good of all.”

   

    5. The employees will be thrilled with these new
    policies because it's “good to spread the wealth.” Those
    of you who have underachieved will finally get an opportunity; those of you
    who have worked hard and had success will feel more
    “patriotic.”

   

    6. The last few people who were hired should clean out their
    desks. Don't feel bad, though, because President Obama will give you
    free healthcare, free handouts, free oil for heating your home, free food
    stamps, and he'll let you stay in your home for as long as you want even if
    you can't pay your mortgage. If you appeal directly to our democratic
    congress, you might even get a free flat screen TV and a coupon for free
    haircuts (shouldn't all Americans be entitled to nice looking hair?) !!!

   

    If for any reason you are not happy with the new
    policies, you may want to rethink your vote on November 4th.

[TAB]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.

I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so
exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we' d both still be alive.

[Bill Stryker]

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home,
 I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

[tombogan03884]

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?


Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don 't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Olde r Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in pla stic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that y ou have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the t runk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this c ar, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!!


A
guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, low and behold, he lost
his wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to
make his way home, but was stopped by a Mexican Customs Agent at the
Tijuana border.
"May I see your identification, por favor,
señor?" asked the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet,"
replied the guy.
"Si, amigo, I hear that every day.  No ID,
no crossing the border,"
said the agent.
"But I can prove that I'm an American!" he
exclaimed.  "I have a picture of Bill Clinton tattooed on one butt cheek and a
picture of Hillary
Clinton tattooed on the other."
"This I must see," replied the
agent.  With that, the American dropped his pants and bent over in
front of the agent.
"Jesus, Mary , and Joseph, you're right!"
exclaimed the agent.  "Have a safe trip back to Chicago ."
"Thanks!" he
said.  "But why do you think I'm from Chicago ?"
The agent
replied, "I recognized Barack
Obama in the middle!"

[MikeBjerum]

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO
HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE
LOCAL BROTHEL

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER
MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN
EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM.   THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND
TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY
GIRL WAS DEAD!'

'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.

HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'

A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?

WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE

HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY
TEETH WITH HER!'