Author Topic: Classic joke thread...  (Read 1374872 times)

Bill Stryker

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1930 on: May 27, 2009, 02:45:34 PM »
Aussie Trucker

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel
outside Kalgoolie.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, I want your
ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!!

The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you could have one
of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.

The trucker replies, 'Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny . . . . . I'm
homesick.

deepwater

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1931 on: May 27, 2009, 09:01:58 PM »
Letter from a Granddad:

John is 63
years old and owns his own business. He is a life-long
Republican and sees his dream of retiring next year is now all
but gone. With the stock market crashing and all the new taxes
coming his way, John knows he will be working for a good
number more years.

John has a Granddaughter. 
Ashley is a recent college grad. She drives a late model car,
wears all the latest fashions, and also likes going out and
eating out a lot.  Ashley campaigned hard for Obama, and
after he won the election she made sure her Grandfather (and
all other Republican family members) received more than an
earful on how the world is going to be a much better place now
that Obama won the election.

Ashley recently found
herself short of cash and cannot pay her bills, again. As she
has done many other times in the past, she e-mailed her
Grandfather asking for some financial help. Here is his reply:








 





Sweetheart,

I am
replying to your request for more money. Ashley, you know I
love you dearly and am sympathetic to your financial
plight.  Unfortunately, times have changed. With the
election of President Obama, your Grandmother and I have had
to set forth a bold new economic plan of our own....the
'Ashley Economic Plan'.  Let me explain. Your grandmother
and I are highly productive, wage-earning tax payers.  As
you know, we have lived a comfortable life and in return have
forgone many things like fancy vacations, luxury cars,
etc.  We have worked hard and were looking forward to
retiring soon.  But this plan has changed.  Your
president is significantly raising our personal and business
taxes.  He says it is so he can give our hard earned
money to other people.  Do you know what this means,
Ashley?  It means less income for us.  Less income
means we must cut back on many business and personal
expenditures.  One example is, we were forced to let go
of our receptionist today.  You know her.  She
always gave you candy when you visited my office.  Did
you know she worked for us for the past 18 years?  I
can't afford her anymore.

That is a taste of the
business side.  Some personal economic affects of Obama's
new taxation policies include none other than you. You know
very well that over the years your grandmother and I have
given you thousands of dollars in cash, tuition assistance,
food, housing, clothing, gifts, etc., etc.  By your vote,
you have chosen another family over ours for help. 
Judging from your Email requesting more money, I recommend you
call 202-456-1111.  That is the direct telephone number
for the White House. You yourself repeatedly told me I was
foolish voting Republican.  You said Mr. Obama is going
to be the people's president and is going to help every
American live a better life. Based upon everything you have
told me and things we heard from him as he campaigned, I am
sure Mr. Obama will be happy to send a check or transfer money
into your checking account.  Have him call me for the
transaction and account numbers, which by now I know by
heart.

Perhaps you now can understand what I have been
saying for all my life: those who vote for the president
should consider what the impact of an election will be on the
nation as a whole, and not just be concerned with what they
can get for themselves (welfare, etc.). What Obama voters
don't seem to realize is all of the "government's" money he is
'redistributing' to illegal aliens and non-taxpaying Americans
(deemed "less fortunate") comes from tax money collected from
income tax-paying families.  Remember how you told me,
"Only the richest of the rich will be affected"? Guess what,
honey?  Because of our business, your Grandmother and I
are now considered to be the richest of the rich. On paper, it
might look that way.  But in the real world, we are far
from it. But, as you said while campaigning for Obama, some
people will have to carry more of the burden so all of America
can prosper. You understand what that means, right?  It
means that raising taxes on productive people results in them
having less money.  Less money for everything, including
granddaughters.

Congratulations on your choice for
"change".  For future reference, I encourage you to
attempt to add up the total value of the gifts and money
you've received from us over the years, and compare it to what
you expect to get over the next four years from Mr.
Obama.

Remember, we love you dearly... but from now on
you'll need to call the number referenced above when you need
help.

Good luck,
sweetheart.
Love,
Grampa.

PS: How was your recent
trip to Jamaica? I have never been there but I hear it is
lovely this time of year.







 


YOU CAN TEACH A MONKEY HOW TO RIDE A BICYCLE: BUT YOU CAN'T TEACH HIM HOW TO FIX IT!!

True_Texan

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1932 on: May 28, 2009, 12:43:02 PM »
SURVIVOR

Texas Style

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor, Texas-Style."

The contestants will all start in Dallas , then drive to Waco , Austin , San Antonio , over to Houston , then down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio , El Paso , Midland , Odessa , Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth, and finally back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: "I'm Gay," "I Love the Dixie Chicks," "Boycott Beef," "I Voted for Obama," "George Strait Sucks," "Hillary in 2012," and "I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive, wins.
"Before giving someone a piece of your mind, be sure you have enough to spare."

shooter32

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1933 on: May 28, 2009, 12:46:10 PM »
SURVIVOR

Texas Style

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor, Texas-Style."

The contestants will all start in Dallas , then drive to Waco , Austin , San Antonio , over to Houston , then down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio , El Paso , Midland , Odessa , Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth, and finally back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: "I'm Gay," "I Love the Dixie Chicks," "Boycott Beef," "I Voted for Obama," "George Strait Sucks," "Hillary in 2012," and "I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive, wins.

Hell they wouldn't make it to Waco ;D
A government big enough to give you everything you want is a government big enough to take from you everything you have. ~ Gerald Ford - August 12, 1974

PegLeg45

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1934 on: May 28, 2009, 12:55:34 PM »
Hell they wouldn't make it to Waco ;D

I wouldn't bet on many of them even getting far enough to get the keys into the ignition switches......
"I expect perdition, I always have. I keep this building at my back, and several guns handy, in case perdition arrives in a form that's susceptible to bullets. I expect it will come in the disease form, though. I'm susceptible to diseases, and you can't shoot a damned disease." ~ Judge Roy Bean, Streets of Laredo

For the Patriots of this country, the Constitution is second only to the Bible for most. For those who love this country, but do not share my personal beliefs, it is their Bible. To them nothing comes before the Constitution of these United States of America. For this we are all labeled potential terrorists. ~ Dean Garrison

"When it comes to the enemy, just because they ain't pullin' a trigger, doesn't mean they ain't totin' ammo for those that are."~PegLeg

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1935 on: Today at 06:28:23 PM »

Pathfinder

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1935 on: May 28, 2009, 01:53:14 PM »
SURVIVOR

Texas Style

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor, Texas-Style."

The contestants will all start in Dallas , then drive to Waco , Austin , San Antonio , over to Houston , then down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio , El Paso , Midland , Odessa , Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth, and finally back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: "I'm Gay," "I Love the Dixie Chicks," "Boycott Beef," "I Voted for Obama," "George Strait Sucks," "Hillary in 2012," and "I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive, wins.

I figured it would be the one who made it out of the parking lot alive, or maybe just got the farthest.
"I won't be wronged, I won't be insulted, I won't be laid a hand on. I don't do this to others and I require the same from them"

J.B. Books

Bill Stryker

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1936 on: May 28, 2009, 04:26:26 PM »
Three Knots:

Edward, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform
and heads for the docks once  more, for old times sake.

                 He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a  room.

                 He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his
                 age, but needing some  reassurance, he asks, 'How am I
                 doing?'

                 The prostitute replies, 'Well Ray, you old  sailor,
                 you're doing about three knots.'

                 'Three knots?' He asks, 'What's that  supposed to mean?'

                 She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and  you're
                knot  getting your money back!'

 :D :D :D :D ;D :D

Bill Stryker

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1937 on: May 28, 2009, 04:28:59 PM »
Hunting Season

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke
up raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He
walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and
to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there,
fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asks her: "What are you up to?"

Alice smiles:  "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly
decides to take her along.

Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just
outside of San Marcos, Texas.

Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand
and tells her:  "If you see a deer, take careful aim
on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the
shot".

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that
Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer.

Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears
an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running
back.

As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming:
"Get the hell away from my deer!"

Confused and frightened Jake races faster towards his
screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get the
hell away from my deer!" followed by another volley
of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake
is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in
the air.

The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady!
You can have your damn deer!  Just let me get my saddle
off it!

bjc1369

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1938 on: May 28, 2009, 09:52:02 PM »
I think Jake is the same guy who was well known in the area for poaching deer.  The local game warden had tried to catch him, but without any luck.  The warden decided to stake out Jake's house and arrived well before dawn.  He settled in about a 100 yards from Jake's house and hid in some tall weeds.  The warden suspected Jake would leave his house about dawn and go to his deer stand.  The warden also knew Jake had not purchased a hunting license.

Just before dawn, Jake opened the door and yelled, "Warden, it's cold out there.  Come on in and have a cup of coffee."  The warden was confused as to how Jake knew he was there, but got up and walked up to the house.  He and Jake sat at the table drinking coffee and telling stories.

Finally the warden asked, "OK, Jake, how the hell did you know I was out there?  I got here before any lights were on in the house and I'm sure you were not up yet."

"Oh, that's easy," said Jake.  "I open the door and yell that same invitation every morning."

philw

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1939 on: May 29, 2009, 07:52:12 AM »
Today's quick Fairytale



The big bad Wolf said "I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down."

And the little piggy said ...

"F*ck off or I'll sneeze on you."
Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can praise them, disagree with them, quote them, disbelieve them, glorify or vilify them. The only thing you can’t do is ignore them

 

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