Classic joke thread...

[PegLeg45]

Borrowed from an email:

I saw on the Internet Haiti is without a government.
To help out, I am donating one Obama, one Pelosi, one Reid, one Frank, one Coakley, and two Clintons!
They may keep them permanently!
I'd give them a constitution........................... but I can't find mine right now!

[ellis4538]

WE SHOULD BE SO LUCKY!

Richard

[Johnny Bravo]

   Police Do Care

The Corpus Christi, Texas Police Department reports finding a man's body in the Nueces River near Labonte Park. The dead man's name will not be released until the family has been notified.......

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive alcohol consumption.

He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap on dildo, purple lipstick and an Obama for President in 2008 t-shirt.

He also had a cucumber in his rectum.

The police removed the Obama t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

Inspite of what you sometimes think, the Police do care.

[Bill Stryker]

Just got scammed out of $25.00

 

Bought the Tiger Woods DVD  titled

 

 "My favorite 18 holes".

 

Turns out it's about golf.

Damn Waste of money.

Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

[red364]

She Shot Him 6 Times!


       
TRUE STORY FROM...
"THE HOUSTON HERALD NEWSPAPER"
IN HOUSTON , TEXAS
MARCH 5th, 2009
 
Last Thursday night around midnight, a woman from Houston , Texas was arrested,
jailed and charged with manslaughter for shooting a man 6 times in the back as he was running away with her purse.
 

The following Monday,
the woman was called in front of the Arraignment Judge, sworn in and asked to explain her actions.

The woman replied, "I was standing at the corner bus stop, waiting for the bus to take me home after work.

I am a waitress at a local cafe...
I was there alone, so I had my right hand on my pistol,
which was in my purse that was hung over my left shoulder.

 
All of a sudden I was being spun around hard to my left.
As I caught my balance, I saw a man running away from me with my purse.

I looked down at my right hand and I saw that my fingers were still wrapped around my pistol. The next thing I remember is saying out loud,

"No way punk!  Your not stealing my pay check and tips."
I raised my right hand, pointed my pistol
at the man running away from me with my purse,
and squeezed the trigger 6 Times!
~
When asked by the Judge,
"Why did you shoot the man 6 times?

The woman replied under oath,

 
"Because, when I pulled the trigger the 7th time, it only went click."

~

The woman was acquitted of all charges. She was back at working at the cafe, the next day!

 
Now that's Gun Control....

AMEN

[Sponsor]

[PegLeg45]

      Good one, Bill.......      




Best quote of 2009.......................

The General is a quick thinker.
I know now why he is a General..

President Obama was having that one, lone brief conversation this year with General McChrystal about Afghanistan.

Things were obviously not going the way the General had hoped.  

Obama could sense this, and told him, "I bet when I die, you'll piss on my grave."

To which General McChrystal answers, "No sir, I've always said that when I get out of the Army, I'll never again wait in another line."

[Bill Stryker]

When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'
[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]

Try this out:

Stop at your pharmacyand go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer madeby Johnson & Johnson..
Be very sure you get this brand.







When you get home, lock your doors,





draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.







Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement:



"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnsonis personallytested and then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at
Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!
 




...Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...
Then you are just an old sour fart;
Maybe you should go and work for Johnson and Johnson

[Bill Stryker]

 Ear Infection.

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.  You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose! 

[Bill Stryker]

AROMA THERAPY


 
An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City office building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, bends over and farts....... "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!"

[red364]

 
The spoon:
 
 
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.
 
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
 
 
It seemed a little strange.
 
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
 
 
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
 
 
'Well, 'he explained,'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently  dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.  If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
 
 
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
 
 
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
 
 
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have
that string right there?'
 
 
"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.  By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.'
 
 
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
 
 
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'