Classic joke thread...

[MikeBjerum]

Sven and Ole were running down the street ...

Sven ran into the bar ...

Ole ducked 

[Teresa Heilevang]

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a note in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Kennedy opened the note, which appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H.

Kennedy was baffled, so he E-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help.

Within a few seconds, the Marines cabled back with this reply: "Tell Kennedy he is holding the message upside down."

[Marshal Halloway]

A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money.
Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked,
"Did you see me rob this bank?"                                                                     
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."                                                                                 
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.                       
                                                                                       
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man,
"Did you see me rob this bank?"                                                           
                                                                                       
The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did."


---Did I REALLY just post this??   If you don't hear from me for awhile............................... well------ you know.

(Start sending me your prayers. Immediately.  )

[Hazcat]

Marshal,

I hope you like soft foods.

And I'm for ya!

[Bill Stryker]

Marshal,
You need to pay attention to this one.

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big
bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everythingthere was.< /B>

 

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?' Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!'



The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

[Sponsor]

[Hazcat]

Marshal,

You need to pay attention to this one.

 Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Thought I might repeat that for ya, Marshall. 

[Marshal Halloway]

I know. I think I am on "getting it wrong" #4 so far today... and the day ain't over yet. 

[tombogan03884]

A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money.
Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked,
"Did you see me rob this bank?"                                                                     
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."                                                                                 
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.                      
                                                                                       
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man,
"Did you see me rob this bank?"                                                          
                                                                                       
The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did."


---Did I REALLY just post this??   If you don't hear from me for awhile............................... well------ you know.

(Start sending me your prayers. Immediately.  )

WOW, Welcome to the club with Haz, Mac, and I. do any of you know how to play bridge, shall we go for team cribbage or wait for one more and play poker ? 

[Hazcat]

WOW, Welcome to the club with Haz, Mac, and I. do any of you know how to play bridge, shall we go for team cribbage or wait for one more and play poker ? 

Poker, defiantly poke her.

[ellis4538]

RECENT STUDY FOUND OUT WHICH DAYS MEN PREFER TO HAVE SEX. IT WAS FOUND THAT MEN PREFERRED TO ENGAGE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY ON THE DAYS THAT STARTED WITH THE LETTER 'T'.

EXAMPLES

TUESDAY
THURSDAY
TODAY
TOMORROW
THANKSGIVING
THATURDAY
THUNDAY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A RECENT SURVEY WAS CONDUCTED ALSO TO DISCOVER WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT HERE ARE THE SURVEY RESULTS:
5% SAID IT WAS TO GET A GLASS OF WATER
12% SAID IT WAS TO GO TO THE BATHROOM
83% SAID IT WAS TO GO HOME
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE PERFECT BREAKFAST...AS A MAN SEES IT.....YOU'RE SITTING AT THE
TABLE AND YOUR SON IS ON THE COVER OF WHEATIES......
YOUR MISTRESS IS ON THE COVER OF PLAYBOY........
AND YOUR WIFE IS ON THE BACK OF THE MILK CARTON.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE BEST FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL AFTER 50?
NUDITY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
ABOUT 45 LBS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BOYFRIEND AND A HUSBAND?
ABOUT 45 MINUTES
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE FASTEST WAY TO A MAN'S HEART?
THROUGH HIS CHEST WITH A REALLY SHARP KNIFE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S TH E DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SOUTHERN ZOO AND A NORTHERN ZOO?
A SOUTHERN ZOO HAS A DESCRIPTION OF THE ANIMAL ON THE FRONT OF THE CAGE, ALONG WITH A RECIPE.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE CUBAN NATIONAL ANTHEM?
ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT........
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A NORTHERN FAIRYTALE AND A SOUTHERN FAIRYTALE ?

A NORTHERN FAIRYTALE BEGINS 'ONCE UPON A TIME.....'
AND A SOUTHERN FAIRY TLE BEGINS..........

'Y'ALL AIN'T GONNA BELIEVE THIS SHIT