Classic joke thread...

[ellis4538]

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back.
He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her stomach and then to the other side to a point below her waist.
He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side then the other.
His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
His gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped, and then returned to do the same thing to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.
The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
"Why are you stopping"?, she whispered.
He whispered back, "I found the remote."

[Dakotaranger]

Small Town Tourist Attractions:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKO_yaLL7n0

This is from a Canadian show about a Saskatchawan small town.  If you've ever been in a small town city or churchboard meeting you'll die laughing

[Teresa Heilevang]

A filthy rich Florida man, named Mel, decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

 He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

 At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in."

  The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
 Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

 Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

 "No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.

 The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"

  "No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.

 The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

  Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool !

[Dakotaranger]

That's a you KNOW your a Redneck when story.

[SlickRob]

With the current political climate you can understand I have been pretty depressed.

Last night, during a bleak moment, I called the suicide hotline.

I was transferred to an out-sourced call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal...

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck..........

[Sponsor]

[Teresa Heilevang]

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.

 "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm
a little upset because my daughter has red hair!
 She can't possibly be mine."

 "Nonsense," the doctor said.
"Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your
ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
 
"It just isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be! Our families on
both sides have had jet-black hair for generations."
 
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have
sex?"

The man seemed a bit ashamed.
 "I've been working very hard for the past year. We've only had sex once
or twice every few months."
 
"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."

[ellis4538]

Marshal'ette, you've missed your calling...You need to write for Leno or MB or somebody.  Fantastic jokes.

[Bill Stryker]

Bob was excited about his new 338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.The black bear said, 'That was a very bad mistake. That bear was my cousin.  I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.' After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative.So the black bear had his way with Bob.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.The grizzly said, 'That was a big mistake, Bob. That bear was my cousin and you've got two choices : Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex.'  Again, Bob thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob.

Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered.Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder.

He turned around to find giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, 'Admit it Bob, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?'

[Teresa Heilevang]

A bear walks into a bar  in Billings, Montana. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We  don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."   

The  bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a  beer.

The  bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve  beer to belligerent bears in bars in  Billings."

The  bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm  going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."   

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to  belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The  bear goes to the end of the bar and, as promised, eats the  woman.
He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.   

The  bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.."   

The  bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

The  bartender says, "You are now.
That was a  barbitchyouate."

(( I know... booo hisss. but I couldn't resist it))) 

[Teresa Heilevang]

*Did you know that eagles mate for life? Well one day Harry the
eagle** waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years.

After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her.
She had been  shot. Dead!*

Harry was devastated. After mourning he
decided that he must get himself another mate but since
there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to
cross the feather barrier.


So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely
dove and brought her back to the nest.
The sex was Okay, but all the dove would say is
"I am a DOVE, I want to love! I  am a DOVE, I want to love!"
Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the
nest and flew off once more to find a mate.

He found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest.
Again the sex was great but all the loon would say is, "I am a
LOON, I  want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!"

So out with the  loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time
he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck
back to the nest. Again the sex was great,but
all the duck would say was.....well, you know......


*No, the duck didn't say THAT!!!!! That's an awful thing to think !!!


The duck said, "I am a DRAKE you made a MISTAKE