Classic joke thread...

[tombogan03884]

 I'm not sure which thread this belongs in, I got it from a news blog

http://volokh.com/archives/archive_2009_07_19-2009_07_25.shtml#124822083

 the Instapundit link took me to this Forbes article

http://www.forbes.com/2009/05/27/twitter-north-korea-technology-internet-twitter.html

which says in part:

The headlines, it seems, are real--or at least as real as any that emerge from North Korea's reality distortion field. The twitterer, on the other hand, is an impostor.

Here it is,
Posted by Eugene Volokh:
North Korea's Twitter Feed
 is [1]here. Some excerpts:

     All Korea Linguistic Association praises contribution of Great
     Leader Kim Il-Sung to reform of Korean alphabet!
     about 1 hour ago from web ...

     Three-Revolution Red Flag Movement cheers production gains at
     Chagang-Do Cement Factory #2.
     about 2 hours ago from web ...

     DPRK Weather Bureau predicts typhoons, monsoons, to strike US west
     coast in 2009.
     about 3 hours ago from web

     Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il telegrams congratulations to Iranian
     President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad on successful reelection!
     about 4 hours ago from web ...

    Central Procurator Roh Seng-Teh denounces US Supreme Court Judge
     Sonia Sotomayor as sellout to independence of Puerto Rican people!
     about 4 hours ago from web ...

Should it be in Politics ?

[Bill Stryker]

     

                    "Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says. 
                       
                    Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you." 
                     
                    Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for 
                    Leroy. 
                     
                    After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?" 
                       
                    Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next 
                    Wednesday!"

 

[Kid Shelleen]

I just finished watching the Obama news conference on healthcare reform.

Now that's a real joke.

[MikeBjerum]

A group of dignitaries was crossing the Atlantic with a famously brave Admiral.  Every morning the Admiral would get the group together and give them a little lesson on the ship, the sea, naval history, or anything they asked.  

This one morning one gentleman asked about the meaning of the many parts of the Admiral's uniform.  The Admiral went into great detail describing everything and its meaning.  He started with his boots and finished with his hat.  Shape, size and position of everything was covered.

After his complete description the gentleman asked for clarification on the Admiral's shirt.  "I have noticed that you wear different uniforms from time to time, but you always wear a red shirt ... Why?"

The Admiral replied that the red was to give his men confidence.  "If I were to become wounded in battle my men could become fearful and panic.  If that happened the battle would be lost.  I wear red, so that if I am wounded they will not see the blood and will continue to fight on to victory."

As the Admiral was completing his explanation a cry came from the crow's nest - "Admiral ... Twenty enemy ships on the horizon!"

Immedieatly the Admiral turned to his cabin boy and shouted "Quick boy ... My brown pants!"

[MikeBjerum]

A Russian and a Norwegian wrestler (just happened to be named Ole, now
living in Duluth, MN) were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal.

Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said,
"Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never
lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has.

Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're
finished. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times,
looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward,
grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of
disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his
hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach
raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air.
His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the
pin and winning the match.

The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out
of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got

me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of
testicles right in front of my face. I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last
ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard
as I could."

So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own
nuts!"

[Sponsor]

[TAB]

how is mariage like a tornado?




It starts off with a lot of sucking and blowing... then you lose your house.

[blackwolfe]

A husband ask his wife how come she never tells him when she has an orgasam to which she replied your always at work.

[tombogan03884]

how is mariage like a tornado?




It starts off with a lot of sucking and blowing... then you lose your house.

This from the "Newly wed"  ? 

[JC5123]

What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?

A slut screws everybody, a bitch screws everybody but you.

[Bill Stryker]

THE PREACHER'S
          SON

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.  Like many young Men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.  One day, while the boy was away at
school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's
room and placed on his study table four objects.

1. A Bible.

2. A silver dollar.

3. A bottle of whisky.

4. And a Playboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a
blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that
would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a
skirt-chasing womanizer.'

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table..

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he
picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket.  He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered. 
'He's gonna run for Congress.'