Classic joke thread...

[True_Texan]

You can't out-do a Texan
***********************************
 A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle,  pulls up next to a guy in
 a Rolls Royce at a stop sign.  Their windows are open and he yells at the
 guy in the
 Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"  The guy in the Rolls
 says, "Yes, of course I do.."

 "I got one too... see?" the Texan says. "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

 "You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan. "Why, actually, yes, I do."
 "I do too!  See?  It's right here!" brags the  Texan.

 The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says,
 "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"
 The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO!  Do you?"  "Yep, got my double bed
 right in back here," the Texan replies.

 The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.

 Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately
 goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of
 his car.

 About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and
 drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with theTexas
 plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his
 Rolls up next to it.

 The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat
 awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on
 the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

 The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.
 The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"
 "Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?"
 "Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls.

 "The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT !!!

[True_Texan]

NOTE:  Somebody from California apparently wrote the top part, but somebody from Texas came back and put them on their asses at the bottom. And whoever that was, GOD BLESS YOU!

CALIFORNIA :

- I can wear sandals all year long

- I go to the Beach - not "down to the shore"

-Our chicks are WAYYYY hotter than yours. Well... Miami can hang.

- I say "like" and "for sure" and "right on" and "dude" and "totally" and "peace out" and "chill" and "tight" and "bro" and I say them often

- I know what real cheese & avocados taste like

-Everyone smokes weed and its no big deal

-We'll roll up 40 deep when something goes down.

-I live next door to Mexicans, but we call them American's!

-All the porn you watch is made here, cause we're better and thats how it is

- I don't get snowdays off because theres only snow in Mammoth, Tahoe, Shasta, and Big Bear

- I know 65 mph really means 100

- When someone cuts me off, they get the horn and the finger and high speed chase cuz we dont f..k around on the road

- The drinking age is 21 but everyone starts at 14 (legally 18 if you live close enough to the border)

- My governor can kick your governors ass

- I can go out at midnight

-You judge people based on what area code they live in, and when asked where you're from, you give your area code

- I might get looked at funny by locals when I'm on vacation in their state, but when they find out I'm from California I turn into a Greek GOD

- We don't stop at stop signs... we do a " california roll"
No cop no stop baby!

- I can get fresh and REAL Mexican food 24 hours a day

- All the TV shows you "other" states watch get filmed here

- We're the Golden State . Not the Cheese State . Not the Garden State .....GOLDEN!!!

- We have In-N-Out ( Arizona and Vegas are lucky we share that with them)

- I have the most representation in the House of Representatives, which means MY opinion means more than yours, which means I'm better than you [geez.... hahaha]

- The best athletes come from here

*******IF YOU'RE FROM CALIFORNIA , REPOST THIS*******
******IF YOU'RE NOT, GO SIT IN A CORNER AND CRY******

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

TEXAS :

Ahem... So.. Um.. yeah... I read this, and thought I would reply...


Hey... California listen up... Texas is where its at!

- I too can wear sandals all year long... plus I can put on boots to stomp your toes and I won't even stick out.

- You may be able to go to the "beach" instead of the "shore"... but can you go to the drive thru "Beer Barn?" What now surfer boy?

- You're chicks aren't way hotter than ours... they are almost equal... and thats only due to silicone, saline, botox, lasers and hair dye... We have the real ones and they can beat yours up.

- We're taught to say "Yes Sir" and "Yes Ma'am" and respect our elders because of it. We also say "Howdy" and "fixin" and "Yall" are pretty much recognized right away anywhere in the world We're famous

- You may know what real cheese and avocados taste like... but I know what 100% Grade A Angus Beef tastes like. Who wants avocados and cheese when you can have steak and potatoes?

- Haha... who do you think grows the weed and sells it to you?

- Why roll 40 deep when something goes down if 5 corn fed country boys can get the job done...

- I live next door to americans, but we call them mexicans

- About your Porn.... 3 words... "Debbie Does Dallas "... You can brag about it now, but we started it

- Why would you brag about not getting snow days off?

- We're smart enought to know 65mph means 65, but our speed limit is 70.

- - When someone cuts me off, they get run over by my big ass truck, then I give them the finger and tell them to go back to california .

- The drinking age is 21, but if you aren't chasin the beer by 1 yr old... you're behind.

- Yeah, Well my governor became the President of the United States ... yours isn't even eligible.

- You can go out at midnight? Thats nice, I haven't even come home by then.

- Ok... you said,"You judge people based on what area code they live in, and when asked where you're from, you give your area code" and as hard as I try I have no idea what you're talking about... I think you're watching too much tv.

- Yeah, you'll definitely get looked at funny when you come to visit but we have another name for you pretty boys, and its not greek, its french.

- Of course you don't stop at stop signs... none of you can drive.

- You can pick up Real mexican food 24 hours a day huh... well I can swing by home depot and pick up 24 Real mexicans anytime of day. Can you say catering?

- All the tv shows get filmed there... but where does your favorite poker game come from? Texas Hold'em anyone?

- You can keep your golden state... We're the Lone Star State ...the one and only!!

- Do I have to remind you about the drive thru Beer Barn again? Does In-N-Out serve alcohol? (Oh and did I mention Dr. Pepper was created in Texas ?)

- You guys have the best athletes huh?... Eight words... Lance Armstrong and The University of Texas at Austin

Though I could mention MICHAEL JOHNSON - Olympic Sprinter, World record holder in 200m and 400m, 5 Olympic Gold medals, 9 time World Champion (born Dallas , Tx )

Oh and remind me again who won the Rose Bowl between USC and Texas ?? I believe it was the LONGHORNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- Football is a religion, not a sport

- In Texas , football means football, not soccer.

- 90% of football "movies" you guys are making are about Texas Football.

-Varsity Blues, filmed in Georgetown , Tx - Friday Night Lights, filmed in Odessa , Tx - Necessary Roughness, filmed in San Marcos , Texas

- Texas is the only state that can still separate to become its own country. The only way California 's gonna accomplish that is if another earthquake comes along and you guys sink into the ocean. Can you say Atlantis.... hahaha

Come on Texans Show Your Colors! Repost!

And as the Great Sam Houston once said " Texas could survive without the United States , but the United States could not survive without Texas "

[sledgemeister]

The Squirrel and the Grasshopper

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION (cept Brittain - theyre worse)

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END

THE AMERICAN VERSION


The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

An Obamacare social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

CNBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The Washington press informs people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.

The Democrats, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Housing Commission of United States demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.

The CNBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Woodstock with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome".

Jesse Jackson rants in an interview on the O’reilly Factor that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter Washington city centre.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders,
for the work he was doing on his home, and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a Department of Housing house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re-distributed to the more needy members of society - in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home.

The local authority takes over his old home and utilizes it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to America as they had to share their country of origin with mice.

On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Americans' apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.

Initial moves to make then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice.

The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards..

A 60 Minutes special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the Department of Housing house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it. He is shown to be taking drugs.

Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug "Illness".

The cats seek recompense in the Federal Court for their treatment since arrival in America .

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.

Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A Senate of enquiry, that will eventually cost $100 million and state the obvious, is set up.

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers.

Legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased.

The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching America ’s multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose.

The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison...

They call for the resignation of a Senator.

The cats are paid $1 million each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in America.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 75 because of a shortfall in government funds.



THE END

[tombogan03884]

Not as funny as it COULD be but I got a chuckle out of it 

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[tt11758]

Not as funny as it COULD be but I got a chuckle out of it 

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Typical ivory-tower, all knowing, all seeing, I'm better than you are inside-the-beltway bozo.  The talking head got one thing right, though, contrary to what our "representatives" might think, the world does NOT revolve around them.  it's time they relearned that little lesson.

[Sponsor]

[Ichiban]

Dan Rostenkowski.  Let's see, wasn't he a powerful Illinois Democrat that was convicted of corruption charges?  How strange.

[tombogan03884]

 Most States see their politicians retire, in NJ and Ill. they get paroled.

[PegLeg45]

May have been posted before...so forgive me if it is a repeat.......


Twelve indicators that the economy is doing bad

12. CEOs are now playing miniature golf.

11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.

9. Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.

8. Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.

7. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

6. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their childrens names.

5. The most highly-paid job available is now jury duty.

4. People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate; do you know how many kids are starving in America?"

3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on.

2. The Mafia is laying off judges.

And my most favorite indicator of all.

1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.

[Hazcat]

Last week I was out of town and when I checked into my hotel I was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!

I figured, what the heck, give her a call. "Hello," the woman says . God, she sounded sexy.

Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and Id like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"









"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."    

[PegLeg45]

Last week out was out of town and when I checked into my hotel I was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!

I figured, what the heck, give her a call. "Hello," the woman says . God, she sounded sexy.

Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and Id like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"









"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

And you're joking where?

Sounds like a case of personal experience talking.