Classic joke thread...

[Bill Stryker]

>>> Subject: Is this wrong of just effin funnie?
>>
>> Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
>>
>> The Pope leans towards Mrs.Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one
>> little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild
>> with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your
>> followers,  but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their
>> lives whenever they  speak of this day they will rejoice!"
>>
>> Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that; with one little wave of your
>> hand? Show me."
>>
>> So the Pope slapped her.

[MikeBjerum]

>>> Subject: Is this wrong of just effin funnie?
>>
>> Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
>>
>> The Pope leans towards Mrs.Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one
>> little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild
>> with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your
>> followers,  but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their
>> lives whenever they  speak of this day they will rejoice!"
>>
>> Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that; with one little wave of your
>> hand? Show me."
>>
>> So the Pope slapped her.

I can't even say "You're goin' to hell for that one"   

[Bill Stryker]

        God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day..

         He inquired, "Where have you been?"

         God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

         Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

         "It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it.. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

         "Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

         God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.
        Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."


God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be
extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's the Commonwealth of Virginia , the most glorious place on earth. here are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, beaches, and plains. The people from the Commonwealth of Virginia are going to be handsome,
 modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance..."

 God smiled, "Right next to Virginia is Washington DC . Wait till you see the idiots I put there."

[Badgersmilk]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vs5wv1KZdnk&feature=popt17us15


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4y3UjLGpm0&feature=related

[red364]

Bert's New Cowboy Boots

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas . Bert had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looked him over. "Nope" she said.
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!"
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope", she replied. "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS!"
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. You shoulda bought a hat."

[Sponsor]

[Badgersmilk]

OK...  I pass out before I get this drunk!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3yeLoRFYFDk&NR=1

THANK GOD!

[MikeBjerum]

A notable gynecologist once said,

"The  best engine in the world is the vagina.
It can be started with one finger.
It is self-lubricating.
It takes any size piston.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.
It is only a pity that the management system is so f....k temperamental."

 

[david86440]

Bert's New Cowboy Boots

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas . Bert had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looked him over. "Nope" she said.
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!"
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope", she replied. "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS!"
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. You shoulda bought a hat."

Now that is funny!

[PegLeg45]

True story....but it fits this thread:

My kid comes home from school today and says he needs a 'short' joke for a class speech project.
I ask "How short?"
He says "As short as possible".
I say, "Obama".

[Bill Stryker]

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.  'Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,' she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, 'Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.'

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.  When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, 'Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it.

Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.'

NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY? -Scroll  down------------------------------

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!
 

I know, I know, I am on my way to the corner. Is there any beer left?