Classic joke thread...

[tombogan03884]

DIVORCE  VS.  MURDER
|
| A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some Cyanide."
|
| The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
|
| The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
| 
| The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.  That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!  All kinds of bad thngs will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
| 
| The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
| 
| The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different.  You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Badgersmilk]

http://www.youtube.com/user/livfilms#p/u/9/kFY0gb6wXrw

One for Haz in particular...  And several more for everybody else.   

[MikeBjerum]

http://www.youtube.com/user/livfilms#p/u/9/kFY0gb6wXrw

One for Haz in particular...  And several more for everybody else.   

Now I know why all the reports from others that have visited Haz only talk about the alcohol induced fog, and none complain about the BO 

[Hazcat]

I like showers! 

[Johnny Bravo]

I'd like that shower better if took off the stupid wig.

[Sponsor]

[red364]

The New Procedure

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.' Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.

[tombogan03884]

 We should quit comparing Obama to Hitler it is not accurate.
Hitler GOT the Olympics for Berlin.

[MikeBjerum]

We should quit comparing Obama to Hitler it is not accurate.
Hitler GOT the Olympics for Berlin.

Too true, and sad, to be on this thread 

[tt11758]

[jaybet]

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

  ____________________________________________

  ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    ___________________________________________

  ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
   _________________________ ___________

  ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
   ___________________________________________

  ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
    _________________________________________

  ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid
   ____________________________________________

  ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
   ____________________________________________

  ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess.
   ____________________________________________

  ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
   _____________________________________

  ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
   ______________________________________

  ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
   _________________________________________

  ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.
    _________________________________________
     ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
      WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
     ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
      WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
     ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
      WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
      ______________________________________

    And the best for last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
      WITNESS: No.
     ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
      WITNESS: No.
      ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
      WITNESS: No.
     ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
      WITNESS: No.
     ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
      WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
     ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
      WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

THINK ABOUT IT!  MOST MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE LAWYERS.

OH GOD, PLEASE HELP US ALL !