Classic joke thread...

[Badgersmilk]

Why cats will never rule the world.

[Steyr M40A1]

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy.
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the
counter and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.


I honestly answered, this is my first time.'


So she unwrapped the package, took one out and
slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make
sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still
looked confused. So she looked all around the store
to see if it was empty. It was empty.
'Just a minute, she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.



Taking my hand, she led me into the back room,
unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked
her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She
asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do
was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.



As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt,
removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
'Well, come on she said,'We don't have much time.'
So I did the deed. It was so wonderful, that
unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and
KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.



She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you
put that condom on?' she asked.
I said, sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.

[Jackel]

  priceless

[PegLeg45]

Below Blonds diary on a cruise ship!!!!!

   
DEAR DIARY: DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up.
Really excited.
   
DEAR DIARY: DAY 2   
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins.
 Met the Captain today - seems a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 3
At the pool today..
Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck.
Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner.
Felt honored and had a wonderful time.
He is very attractive and attentive.


DEAR DIARY: DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino.
Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin.
Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne.
He asked me to stay the night but I declined..
Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 5
Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day.
Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.
Really is charming.
Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night.
Again I declined.
He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship.
I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 6
Today I saved 1,600 lives.
Twice.

[Bill Stryker]

JUST WHEN I THINK I'VE HEARD THE 'BEST BLONDE JOKE' EVER, ALONG COMES ONE
> LIKE THIS.
> >
> > A blonde Australian heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She
> left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk When the milkman
> read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably
> meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The
> blonde Australian came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your
note
> asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?'
> >
> > The blonde Australian said, 'I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my
> bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and
beautiful
> again.'
> > The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?' The blonde Australian
> said, 'No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my face.'
>

[Sponsor]

[Badgersmilk]

The war I want no part of...

[Bill Stryker]

Getting a hairdryer through customs....

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course, child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!' 

[Timothy]

A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop.  They were both just getting finished with their shaves and the barbers were reaching for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me!  My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on pal, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like!"

[Steyr M40A1]

I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."

Her parents beamed with pride.

"Wow...what a worthy goal", I said.

I told her, "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."'

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party"'

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

[tombogan03884]

 I just got this e mail forwarded from Johnny Bravo

        We were in Pigeon Forge over the week end.  On Sunday, we left to come home.  Traffic was moving slowly, and a car in front of us had an Obama bumper sticker on it.  It read:  "Pray for Obama.  Psalm 109:8".

        Mike's Bible was lying on the dash board.  He got it, opened it up to the scripture, and read it.  He started laughing and laughing.  Then he read it to me.  I couldn't believe what it said.  I had a good laugh, too.

             ><>

        Psalm 109:8

            "Let his days be few; and let another take his office."