Classic joke thread...

[Teresa Heilevang]

From a show on Canadian TV, there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!  He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.
Number 1 - He played the sax.
Number 2 - He smoked weed.
Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.
 
Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he doesn't!  And, he gets a check from the government every month.
 
Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup" in honor of one of the nations most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton.
The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied,
"I don't know, I never had one."

The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth
as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I
think you need to know."

Clinton will be recorded in history as "the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes."



((Sorry~~  ~~I TOLD you guys I needed to catch up))   
M'ette

[SlickRob]

After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time.

Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's in love.

Hillary said, "You didn't have sex, did you?"

Chelsea said, "Not according to Dad."

 

[Teresa Heilevang]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin .

 She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her, but down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed "Give tha' ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked
"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same drunk slapped his money down on the bar and slurring said, "Give tha' ballerina a 'nother drink!"

 The bartender approached the drunk and said "Tell me, Murphy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has jus' got to be a ballerina!"

[Pathfinder]

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has jus' got to be a ballerina!"

M'ette, I think I speak for all of us when I say "Welcome Back!"

We missed you, darlin'.

 

[cookie62]

Three men where standing next to there long time friends casket, he was a well respected man around town.
The first one said, "I hope everyone one remembers all my contributions to the community when I'm laying there."
The second one Say's, "I hope everyone remember all my years of service to the country when I'm laying there."
The third one Say's, "I hope they see my hand move and get me out of that box!"

[Sponsor]

[Teresa Heilevang]

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says
he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
 
His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"
 
"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."
 
 So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's
looking for a male or female horse.
 
"A female horth."
 
So he shows him a prized filly.
 
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
 
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the
horse's eyes the once over.
 
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
 
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him
the horse's ears.
 
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
 
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this
point, but he picks  him up again and shows him the
horse's mouth.
 
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
 
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs
him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far
as he can up the horse's rear end..... pulls him out and
slams him on the ground.
 
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I thould rephrase that.
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

[someguy]

 

Okay, well; after that last one...

How do you get a nun pregnant?













...You f*&! her.

[tombogan03884]

A heart surgeons funeral:
One of the cities top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge replica heart made of red roses.
When the Pastor finished the sermon and everyone said their good byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.
Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.
Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, Why are you laughing mister ?
I was just thinking of my own funeral the man replied,
I'm a Gynecologist.

[jerry]

I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid lady...why else would I buy dog food??

[Bill Stryker]

 
Need a good laugh for my Irish friends and friends with Irish friends??Here it is!!!!!!!!!

An Irishman goes to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I had relations with Nookie Green twice last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon after, another Irishman enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had relations with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."


At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon,

A tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous redhead woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green and very short , with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes.............................."