Classic joke thread...

[Hazcat]

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

 

Titanic:.... cost - $29.99
Clinton:.... cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:.... The story of Jack and Rose, their? forbidden? love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:...... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton:.... Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:...... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica....ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing.

[Bill Stryker]

The  #2 pencil...

The  value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil (this is too cute)!....You
don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.

Little Mary  Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School Usually she
slept  through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while  she was sleeping. 'Tell me
Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'   

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend  sitting
behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.   

'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, 'Very  good' and continued teaching her class..

A little later the Nun  asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Mary didn't  stir fro m her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue
and stuck Mary  Margaret in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and  the Nun once again said,'Very
good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.   

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam  after she had
her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the  rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick  that damn thing
in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.   

[Teresa Heilevang]

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

 There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting:

30% of women think their ass is too fat............

10% of women think their ass is too skinny......

The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world
 

[Teresa Heilevang]

A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and
said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you had best put your
affairs in order."

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the
waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well daughter, we women
celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things do not go so
well. In this case, things are not well. I have cancer. Let's head to the
club and have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were
some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of
the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were
celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've
been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast and gave the woman
their condolences.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
"Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your
friends you were dying of AIDS."

The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father
after I'm gone."

[Teresa Heilevang]

THIS IS SOME KIND OF CHILI CONTEST!

*Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town, it takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

 The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
 
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting... and I thought, "FREE BEER?!?? That sounds great..... so I accepted the position of being Judge #3".
 
Here are the scorecards from the event:
 
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
 
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
 
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. '

 
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
 
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
 
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
 
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

 
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
 
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
 
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
 
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
 I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

 
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
 
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
 
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
 
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT . . . just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an Aphrodisiac?


Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
 
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
 
 Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
 
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

 
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
 
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
 
 Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
 
Judge #3-- I shit myself when I farted .. and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.


Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
 
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
 
 Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
 
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

 
Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
 
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
 
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
 
Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot CHILI.
 

[Sponsor]

[Teresa Heilevang]

A woman goes into the hardware store to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the
counter.

An associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse
me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll just drop it on the counter, I
can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

 She doesn't really believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and
10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week
for only $20.00."

She says, "That is just amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card
drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really
embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was
she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person
around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel  were on sale for $20.00?
 How did you get $34.50?"

He replies," Yes, Ma'am, you're right. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00
and the Catfish Bait's $3.50."

[Outlaw]

Dammit Marshall'ette! Is this all you do?   Good, keep up the good work

P.S. The final answer on gun control....USE BOTH HANDS!

P.S. Again..Luv your new Avatar

[m25operator]

A young new salesman starts at a MEGALADON MART, where they sell EVERYTHING, groceries, sporting goods, hardware, vehicles you name it. On his first day at noon, the store manager comes over to ask him how his first day is going. Pretty good He says, I just made my first sale and it was for 45 THOUSAND DOLLARS!!! The manager gasps and says that much on one sale, tell me about it!

Well first I sold this man a fishing pole, then I upsold a top of the line fishing reel, tackle box, lures and fishing vest. Then I said it's not much fun fishing without a boat, and took him to the boat center and sold him a 25ft fishing boat with an upgraded motor, trolling motor and depth finder. Out fitted him with some life jackets. Then I said this boat is too big to tow with your car, and took him to the truck center, sold him an extended cab truck with trailer hitch, c/d player, satellite radio and IPOD dock. Then he was on his way.

Well young man that's fantastic, you did all that to a man who came in to buy a fishing pole!!

No, Sir, He came into buy some tampons, I said, well, your weekends shot to hell, have you ever thought about fishing?

[Teresa Heilevang]

I know that my jokes that I post are not very lady-like.. but dang it.. I can't help it!
Those are the only kind I can remember and actually those are the only kind anyone ever sends me.. soooo it really isn't my fault.
If they get a bit over the top, and I start to offend some of you.. please tell me.. I don't want anyone to be uncomfortable...
but it really is hard for me to be an angel ALL of the time~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But I DO try~~~~~

[Teresa Heilevang]

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.

She’s chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden
 she hears the most horrible, awful, blood curdling screams.

 "Don’t worry about that" says St. Peter. "It’s only someone having the holes
put into her shoulder blades for wings."

  The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

  Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
"Oh my God!", say the old lady, "Now what is happening?"

  "Not to worry", says St. Peter. "She’s just having Her head drilled to fit the halo."

  "I can’t do this", says the Old lady.  "I’m just going to go on down to hell."

  "Oh, you can’t go there", says St. Peter. "You’ll be raped and taken advantage of".

  "Maybe so", says the old lady, "but I’ve already got the holes for that! "