Classic joke thread...

[Teresa Heilevang]

[Rastus]

I have a dog & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.  On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

Now,..... practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.  I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my ass and a car hit me.

Stupid lady...why else would I buy dog food??

 

[Bill Stryker]

An old cowboy sat down at a Starbucks (OK, very unlikely, but this is A JOKE) and ordered a cup of coffee. 

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"


He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."


She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems everything makes me think of women."



The two sat sipping in silence.



A little later a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"




He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."



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[ellis4538]

Just read the "Raisin Bread" joke...she must have been a blonde!  Afte the 2nd trip up the ladder a brunette or redhead would have moved all the loaves to a lower shelf.  Sorry blondes.

[Teresa Heilevang]

Just read the "Raisin Bread" joke...she must have been a blonde!  Afte the 2nd trip up the ladder a brunette or redhead would have moved all the loaves to a lower shelf.  Sorry blondes.

  WHAT??
Sorry blonds?? ....Blonds as in plural?
  Like..ahhhhh ...last time I looked around in here there were 2 females..
 One has red/black hair..and the other ( that'd be me~~) is blond...?

Sooooo.... you want to get on your knees NOW and beg forgiveness to "the blond" or ..do you want to take your chances and stick to your story..



 (((think about it)))
 

[Sponsor]

[Hazcat]

  WHAT??
Sorry blonds?? ....Blonds as in plural?
  Like..ahhhhh ...last time I looked around in here there were 2 females..
 One has red/black hair..and the other ( that'd be me~~) is blond...?

Sooooo.... you want to get on your knees NOW and beg forgiveness to "the blond" or ..do you want to take your chances and stick to your story..



 (((think about it)))
 

OOHHHH Ellis, if'n I was you I'd give up NOW!

[Teresa Heilevang]

THE COWBOY AND THE LITTLE BLUE PILL

A Real Cowboy an old Texas cowhand went to the local drug  store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue Viagra pill.

The pharmacist asked 'How many?'

The cowboy replied, 'Oh, just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces.'
 
The pharmacist said, 'That's too small a dose.
That won't get you through sex.'
 
The old cowboy said, 'Oh hell, I'm over eighty years old, and I
don't even think about sex much anymore.
 I just want to take it so it will stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new boots.

[Teresa Heilevang]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then
visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed
again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once
more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about
the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she
took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I
couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose
and then shuddered violently. I'm rather worried. Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition;
whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never
heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Black pepper."

[ellis4538]

No offense intended mam (sure took you long enough to catch my post).  It just wouldn't have been the same if I had said brunette or redhead instead of blonde besides I know you can dish it out as well as take it - not like some I know!

[Teresa Heilevang]

No offense intended mam (sure took you long enough to catch my post).  It just wouldn't have been the same if I had said brunette or redhead instead of blonde besides I know you can dish it out as well as take it - not like some I know!

Ahhhhhh.... a man apologizing.. It does a body good..