Classic joke thread...

[ellis4538]

And you gloat pretty good too!

[Detachment_Charlie]

I registered specifically to add this. It's been my favorite joke for at least 50 years (yes, there are people who are that old and able to use a computer). Here it is:

A lady gets on a bus. She's got a banana in her ear.
The bus driver says to her,"Hey, lady, you got a banana in your ear."
The lady says to the bus driver, "Sorry, I can't hear you; I have a banana in my ear."

 

[Dakotaranger]

An old cowboy sat down at a Starbucks (OK, very unlikely, but this is A JOKE) and ordered a cup of coffee. 

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"


He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."


She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems everything makes me think of women."



The two sat sipping in silence.



A little later a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"




He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I guess I've been chasin' the wrong women too.

[Teresa Heilevang]

And you gloat pretty good too!

Me? Gloat?
Never!~~~

[Teresa Heilevang]

A housewife has a lover during the day while her husband is at work.
 While this takes place she locks her 8-year-old son in the bedroom closet.
One day her husband comes home while the lover is there so she hurries and puts
 her lover in the same closet with the boy.

They stand in the closet for a while... then the boy says, "Dark in here."

"Yes it is."

"I have a baseball."

"That’s nice."

"Wanna buy it?"

"No."

"My dad’s out there."

"OK, I’ll buy it. How much?"

"$25."

"$25 !!" Sigh... "OK, I’ll buy it."

A week later the man is over again.
The boy is locked in the closet again. The father comes home again.
 The man is put in the closet with the boy again.

They stand in the gloom. The boy says, "Dark in here."

"Yes, it is."

"I have a baseball glove."

"That’s nice.

"Wanna buy it?"

Remembering the previous week, the man says, "Not really, but how much this time?"

"$75."

 "$75 ?!?!!"   "Fine...! I'll buy it."

The following weekend the father says to the boy, " Hey Son, go get your ball and glove and let’s play some catch."

"I can’t dad. I sold them."

"You sold them! Really? For how much?"

"$100."

"What? You shouldn’t rip your friends off like that. We didn’t pay anywhere near that for those items.
That's just terrible!  I’m taking you to the priest and I want you to confess to him."

They go to the church to the confessional.
The boy goes in and sits down. The little door opens so the priest can hear his confession.

"What is your sin, my son?"

 "Dark in here."

"Don’t start that shit again."

[Sponsor]

[Teresa Heilevang]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a big jar crammed full of money, at least $25,000.
He asks the bartender, "What’s up with the jar?"

The bartender replies, "It’s the prize for the contest we’re having."

"What’s the contest?"

"First, You see that big guy over there?"... the bartender says, pointing to the biggest guy in the place,
 "you have to go over there and lay him out with one punch.
Then, down in the back storeroom, there’s a pit bull with a gold molar and you have to pull it out.
Finally, across the street is an 90-year-old woman who hasn’t had an orgasm in 65 years. You have to give her one.
 Do all that and the money is yours."

"Okay," the guy says, "For $25,000, I can do that."
He takes a deep breath and summons all his strength.

He goes over to the big guy, takes a mighty swing and lays him out with one punch. Feeling real good about that,
 the guy then proceeds down to the store room. For the next half hour, all that can be heard is barking, screaming,
growling, and intense shrieks of pain. At last, the guy returns, though somewhat bloodied and with his clothes torn to pieces.

"Okay, now," says the guy,out of breath... "where’s that old woman with the gold tooth?"

[Hazcat]

An Amish farmer walking, notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.

The Amish man shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have pooped in it."

The man shouts back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Hillary, I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The Amish man says: "Use two hands, you'll get more."

[someguy]

  WHAT??
Sorry blonds?? ....Blonds as in plural?
  Like..ahhhhh ...last time I looked around in here there were 2 females..
 One has red/black hair..and the other ( that'd be me~~) is blond...?

Sooooo.... you want to get on your knees NOW and beg forgiveness to "the blond" or ..do you want to take your chances and stick to your story..



 (((think about it)))
 

Oh, Ok...  I'll take the bait...

What do you call a smart blonde?





A golden retriever.
   (Hey, I'm blonde, too...)

[Teresa Heilevang]

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting
 time the boy should give some thought to choosing a
 profession.
  Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he
  wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

  One day, while the boy was away to school, his father decided
to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed
 on his study table four objects.

  A Bible

 A silver dollar

 A bottle of whisky

 And a playboy magazine.

  'I'll just hide behind the door', the old preacher said to himself.
 'When he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see
  which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a
preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks
  up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would
 be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle. he's going to be a
 no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a
 skirt-chasing bum.'

  The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-
 steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his
 room.

  The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave
 the room he spotted the objects on the table.

  With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them
 Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket.
 He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired
 this months centerfold.

  'Lord have mercy.' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.
'He's gonna run for Congress!'

[Teresa Heilevang]

( I have to leave the computer for awhile and do domestic work)



****Pathfinder...you STILL want my job?*** 

Ok.. this is the last one for the day.. and I will try so very very hard to rewrite it a bit and reword it so it is ..well... lets say... more presentable.

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend
a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. It's only for men. They say it's
been trained to preform oral sex.!"

"Oral sex! !" the woman replied.

"Well, understand,it hasn't been proven, but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's
true...no more having to do that job anymore! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely
skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she
may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans
flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She
ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog
reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is
gone."