Author Topic: Classic joke thread...  (Read 1357163 times)

Outlaw

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #200 on: March 04, 2008, 03:52:13 PM »
6 Truths of Life


1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.





2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.





3. The first truth is a lie.





4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.





5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.






6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.


       

Sorry about this,....I'm an idiot and I needed company,...:-)
Strategic Air Command Motto: Peace is Our Profession, Believe it or We'll Bomb the Hell Outta Ya!

Hazcat

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #201 on: March 04, 2008, 03:55:42 PM »


Truth # 7  Your right, I did and yep, still smiling.  ;D
All tipoes and misspelings are copi-righted.  Pleeze do not reuse without ritten persimmons  :D

Swamp Yankee

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #202 on: March 04, 2008, 05:23:38 PM »
Happy Birhtday
This week Monika Lewinski Turns 34. It seems like just yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees putting everything in reach into her mouth. My they grow up so quickly where does the time go.

Mike Mc
NRA Certified Instructor, Rifle, Pistol & Shotgun

Dakotaranger

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #203 on: March 04, 2008, 11:55:05 PM »
The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete... She is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.  She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,


Picabo, ICU.
"One loves to possess arms, though they hope never to have occasion for them." --Thomas Jefferson, letter to George Washington, 1796

Dakotaranger

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #204 on: March 04, 2008, 11:56:05 PM »
When Grandma Goes To Court 
 
 
Your humor for today!
 
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.
He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
"One loves to possess arms, though they hope never to have occasion for them." --Thomas Jefferson, letter to George Washington, 1796

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #205 on: Today at 04:02:31 AM »

Teresa Heilevang

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #205 on: March 05, 2008, 01:27:35 PM »
Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The
other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching
the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my
engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to
get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He
was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34,
and we have been married for twelve years.
 
When I confronted him, he broke down and
admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I
told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six
months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and
worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum
he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm
afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
 
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila

 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a
short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is
clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also
check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the
problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low
delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
 
I hope this helps.
-Walter
"Well Behaved Women Rarely Make History ! "
 

Hazcat

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #206 on: March 05, 2008, 01:37:06 PM »
Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The
other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching
the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my
engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to
get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He
was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34,
and we have been married for twelve years.
 
When I confronted him, he broke down and
admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I
told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six
months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and
worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum
he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm
afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
 
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila

 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a
short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is
clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also
check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the
problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low
delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
 
I hope this helps.
-Walter


So what's the joke?  ???   Sounded like a knowledgeable answer to me, though I would have also mentioned the fuel filter.  ;)

All tipoes and misspelings are copi-righted.  Pleeze do not reuse without ritten persimmons  :D

Teresa Heilevang

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #207 on: March 05, 2008, 02:35:37 PM »
Haz Haz Haz~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  You are impossible!



"Well Behaved Women Rarely Make History ! "
 

ellis4538

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #208 on: March 05, 2008, 03:38:52 PM »
My first thought was SHE ran out of gas!
Used to be "The only thing to FEAR was FEAR ITSELF", nowadays "The only thing to FEAR is GETTING CAUGHT!"

Teresa Heilevang

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #209 on: March 05, 2008, 04:49:49 PM »
One evening, while campaigning in Texas, Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road.
Suddenly an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to
avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed. Hillary told
her driver to go up to the ranch house and explain to the owners what had
happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.
 About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in
disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of very expensive wine in one hand,
a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared
with lipstick. "What happened to you," asked Hillary?
"Well," the driver replied, "the rancher gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their
beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me!"
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
 
The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the
door of the house and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.
The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it.
"Well Behaved Women Rarely Make History ! "
 

 

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