Classic joke thread...

[FSBARAK]

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME - WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
That is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?

[PegLeg45]

Sen. Reid goes to a local GM dealer in Washington, D.C. with the intention of buying a brand new vehicle.  Harry looks around and finds one he likes.   
After going back and forth with the salesman, Harry settles on a price of $45,000.
Harry and the salesman go back to the office to complete the paperwork. Harry works out a 4-year payment plan, and signs on the bottom line.   
The salesman shakes Harry's hand and says, "Thanks Senator Reid, the car will be ready for pickup in 4 years."
Harry says, "What are you talking about? Where are the keys to my new car?"
The salesman replies, "No, you don't understand Senator. You make payments for 4 years... THEN we give you the car. You know, just like your health plan".
Harry, with a choking voice, says to the salesman, "But that's not fair".
The salesman replies without any doubt or embarrassment: "NO SHIT!"

[Bill Stryker]

To:    The American Public   
 
Subject:   Position Statement of the U.S. Economy with Reference to US Sailors!
                                                                 
 

   1. We in retirement take exception to everyone saying that

        Bernanke, Obama, Reid and Pelosi are spending like drunken sailors………

 

   2. When we were drunken sailors, we quit when we ran out of money.

 

  This is so well said!

[Hazcat]

Bill,

Where's the joke?

[Bill Stryker]

Haz,
I'm a soldier not a sailor. So, everything about sailors is a joke. Didn't you know that.
And, after Sunday, I have changed profoundly. I will no longer vote for or defend anyone with a (D) again.
I fired the Republicans quite sometime ago. But, now I will send them money again.

[Sponsor]

[garand4life]

I would give some credit to the Dems that voted against this but, I know they only did it for "self preservation". Every single representative that allowed this bill to pass should be tried for corruption and then brought up on criminal charges for actively undermining the Constitution and the security of the country. And if no such law exists than good old fashion crimes against common sense will work and I vote for the penalty being to send them all to Venezuela or Iran and let those commie bastards deal with them. Being like minded and such our treasonous "officials" should fit right in (the noose).

[Majer]

 A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the
Boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?'

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son.
Men use them to have safe sex.''

Oh I see,' replied the boy.' Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.'
He looks over the display and picks up a Package of 3 and asks,

'Why are there 3 in this package?'

The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one For Sunday.

'Cool' says the boy.
He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?'

Those are for college men,' the dad answers,
'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.'

'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 Pack.


With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,

'Those are for Married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........'

[Johnny Bravo]

After a long night of making love
the guy notices a photo of another man   
on the woman's nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?'
he nervously asks.

'No, silly,'
she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?'
he continues.

'No, not at all,'
she says, nibbling away at his ear.


'Is it your dad or your brother?'
he inquires, hoping to be reassured.


'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!'
she answers.

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?'
he demands.

She whispers in his ear
'That's me before the surgery.'   

[Teresa Heilevang]

Children Writing About the Ocean...

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend
any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs.
(Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

- Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom , and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he
quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

[PegLeg45]

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.

Sounds like some politicians we know.........