Classic joke thread...

[Bill Stryker]

Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on EBAY?


I put in a bid for a "Mickey Mouse Outfit" and now,




It seems I'm only six minutes away from owning Obama and his entire cabinet. [/font][/font]

[Bill Stryker]

 Potentially vs. Realistically!
                       > A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the
                       > difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically' ?'
                       >
                       > The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother
                       > if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
                       >
                       > Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million
                       > dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a
                       > million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'
                       >
                       > So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
                       > Pitt for a million dollars?'
                       >
                       > The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that
                       > money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'
                       >
                       > The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with
                       > Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
                       >
                       > The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with
                       > him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
                       >
                       > The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with
                       > Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
                       >
                       > 'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million Bucks
                       > would buy?'
                       >
                       > The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to
                       > his dad.
                       >
                       > His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between
                       > 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
                       >
                       > The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially' , you and I are sitting on
                       > Three million dollars ..
                       >
                       > But 'realistically' , we're just living with two hookers and a
                       > queer.

[PegLeg45]

One day when Bill was out for lunch with his friend Jeff, they got into a conversation.

Bill said: " I feel really bad about what I did this morning".

"Why?" asked Jeff.

"Well," replied Bill, "My secretary has really large breasts, and this morning I went to ask her to get me two tickets to Pittsburgh, but it came out as 'I need two pickets to Titsburg' and now I feel really bad".

"Oh don't feel bad about that" said Jeff, "Slip ups like that happen all the time. Why, just last night I took my wife and kids out for dinner...... and while I meant to say to my wife 'Please pass the salt my love', it came out as 'YOU RUINED MY LIFE YOU STUPID BITCH!!!! I HATE YOUR F**KING GUTS!!!'"

[Majer]

 Pedro was trying to get into the U.S. legally through immigration. The officer said, "Pedro, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter the U.S."
 
     Pedro said, "I am ready."
 
     The officer said, "Make a sentence using Yellow, Pink and Green."
 
     Pedro thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."
 
     The officer said "Go ahead."  Pedro said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up and say, 'Yellow, this is Pedro.' "

[Teresa Heilevang]

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.   

 

[Sponsor]

[fightingquaker13]

Potentially vs. Realistically!
                       > A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the
                       > difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically' ?'
                       >
                       > The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother
                       > if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
                       >
                       > Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million
                       > dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a
                       > million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'
                       >
                       > So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
                       > Pitt for a million dollars?'
                       >
                       > The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that
                       > money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'
                       >
                       > The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with
                       > Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
                       >
                       > The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with
                       > him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
                       >
                       > The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with
                       > Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
                       >
                       > 'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million Bucks
                       > would buy?'
                       >
                       > The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to
                       > his dad.
                       >
                       > His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between
                       > 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
                       >
                       > The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially' , you and I are sitting on
                       > Three million dollars ..
                       >
                       > But 'realistically' , we're just living with two hookers and a
                       > queer.

ROFL. Honestly, if I'd heard this joke before now, every single one of my forign policy classes could have have ended in less than 15 minutes.
Q: What is the definition of foriegn relations?
A: Two or more nations f@cking one another for the right price. Here endeth the lesson, and don't forget to tip your bartender. I'll be here all semester. (rim shot).
FQ13

[Majer]

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her husband says...

"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"


"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God for that... I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa



He never heard the gunshot

[Big Frank]

President Obama was having that one, lone brief conversation
this year with General McChrystal about Afghanistan .

Things were not going the way the General had hoped. Obama could
sense this, and told him, "I bet when I die, you'll piss on my grave.
 
"To which General McChrystal answered...... "No sir, I've always said
that when I get out of the Army, I'll never again wait in another line.

[Big Frank]

Looking for Hazaritas???





No, it's just a fridge magnet.

[tt11758]

Introducing The Newest Addition To The GM Lineup.............




GM (Government Motors)

Proudly Introduces

The 2011 Obummer

 

This car runs on hot air, bullshit, and broken promises.

It has three wheels that speed the vehicle through tight left turns.

It comes complete with two Tele-Prompters programmed to help

the occupants talk their way out of any violations. The transparent canopy reveals the plastic smiles still on the faces of all the

    happy owners. Comes in S, M, L, XL and 2XL.   

It won't get you to work, but hey, there aren't any jobs anyway!