Classic joke thread...

[fightingquaker13]

Indeed, well learned Dear Leader. Put these lessons into practice and what do you get?

Good luck in '012. Ain't nothing but a thing.

[PegLeg45]

Damn, FQ, even your jokes are long. 




 

[fightingquaker13]

Damn, FQ, even your jokes are long. 




 

Can't deny its a classic though. If the BGs read this, every action movie would last 15 minutes tops! Captain Kirk, the Duke, James Bond, SG-1, Luke Skywalker, all toast. Cut to commercial.
FQ13

[philw]

[Hazcat]

Caught about a third of that! 

[Sponsor]

[PegLeg45]

Caught about a third of that! 

Yeah...I distinctly recall hearing the word 'boomerang'....but after that.......     

[Majer]

 In the early days of WWII, six heavily damaged B17 bombers managed to return to base after a raid over Germany. A radio news crew was on the scene and interviewed a pilot of one of the bombers.

Radio - "It looks like you guys got shot up pretty bad, what happened?"

Pilot - "We were flying in formation just beginning our run when all of a sudden there were Fokker's above us, Fokker's behind us and Fokker's on both sides of us."

Radio - "To our listening audience, a Fokker is a type of German fighter plane."

Pilot - "Yeah, but these Fokkers were in Messerschmitts!"

[Majer]

Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says , 'Male or female?'

Customer says , 'Female.'

Counter guy asks , 'Black or white?

Customer says , 'White.'

Counter guy asks , 'Christian or Muslim?'

Customer says , 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'

Counter guy says , 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'

[deepwater]

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"?  Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box ?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby " when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat ?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
  Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

[deepwater]

here's one my captain sent me.



One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.
 She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down.
 We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named    her  'Pussycat.'

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
 
 My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.'
 He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
 
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the t 'El-Charge-O'.

They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
 
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet..
The GP's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
 A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
 He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more.
 We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose.
 Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door.