Classic joke thread...

[Majer]

A Father took his daughter with him to the Barber shop to get his hair cut, to keep her quiet for a while He gave her a snack cake, while he was getting his hair cut she stood as close to him as possible. The Barber looks at her and says "Sweetheart, You're going to get hair on your twinkie" She looks up to him and says "Yup and I'm going to grow boobs too"

[Steyr M40A1]

As the family sat around the table for dinner, the older son looks at his father and says,
"Dad, I cannot live a lie anymore, I am gay!"
With that the father starts choking on his food.
The younger son jump up from the table, pulls the chair away from his father, wraps his arms around him and starts to thrust.
About the third thrust the father spits out the food and with tears in this eyes say "not you too!"

[fightingquaker13]

Older Men  Scam                                        
               
Women often receive warnings about  protecting themselves
at the mall  and in dark parking lots,  etc. This is the first warning  I
have seen for men. I wanted  to pass it on in case you haven't heard
about it.           
                                                           
A  'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at
Lowe's, Home  Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one is catching them totally by surprise. 
Over the last month I had a freind who  became a  victim of a clever scam
while out  shopping. Simply going out  to get supplies has turned out
to be quite  traumatic. Don't be  naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your  friends.                                             
               
He emailed with this......Here's how the scam works:                                 
               
Two  nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to
your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle.  They
both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their
breasts almost  falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not
to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.                                       
               
You agree and they climb into the  vehicle. On the way,
they start  undressing. Then one of them  starts crawling all over you,
while the  other one steals your  wallet.                             
               
I had my wallet stolen Mar. 4th, 9th, 10th,  twice on the
15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also Apr. 1st  & 4th, twice on the 8th,
16th, 23rd,  26th & 27th, and  very likely again this upcoming weekend.
               
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to
take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be  vigilant.       
               
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each.  I found even
cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and  bought them out in three of their stores.                                                   
               
Also, you  never get to eat at McDonald's.
I've already lost 11 pounds  just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.   
                                                           
               
I wanted all the older men to know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam.

(The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in  the afternoon.)         
 

 

Here in So. Fl. we call that the 'Boca Scam". An older business guy sits down at a bar alone. A cute young thing sidles up and talks to him as though he is the coolest thing on the planet. She eats and drinks for free. Second date? Much like the first, only she gets a "gift'. "Sorry, but I'm not tht type of girl, I'll still see you Wednesday though, I just need something to go with my dress, pearls would be nice".
Third date. "Man, that was the best lobster ever, and these pearls are great! You are amazing, and well, it is the third date. I'll just powder my nose and we can go back to your place".
Thirty minutes later at his table? DOH!
Moral of the story? If she's half your age? She ain't interested in you. Why do guys not get this?
FQ13

[tombogan03884]

Jeez, hard to believe you could drift this thread, but I have to answer FQ   

Here in So. Fl. we call that the 'Boca Scam". An older business guy sits down at a bar alone. A cute young thing sidles up and talks to him as though he is the coolest thing on the planet. She eats and drinks for free. Second date? Much like the first, only she gets a "gift'. "Sorry, but I'm not tht type of girl, I'll still see you Wednesday though, I just need something to go with my dress, pearls would be nice".
Third date. "Man, that was the best lobster ever, and these pearls are great! You are amazing, and well, it is the third date. I'll just powder my nose and we can go back to your place".
Thirty minutes later at his table? DOH!
Moral of the story? If she's half your age? She ain't interested in you. Why do guys not get this?
FQ13

Ego, and "thrill of the chase", kind of like dogs and cars.

[Solus]

Here in So. Fl. we call that the 'Boca Scam". An older business guy sits down at a bar alone. A cute young thing sidles up and talks to him as though he is the coolest thing on the planet. She eats and drinks for free. Second date? Much like the first, only she gets a "gift'. "Sorry, but I'm not tht type of girl, I'll still see you Wednesday though, I just need something to go with my dress, pearls would be nice".
Third date. "Man, that was the best lobster ever, and these pearls are great! You are amazing, and well, it is the third date. I'll just powder my nose and we can go back to your place".
Thirty minutes later at his table? DOH!
Moral of the story? If she's half your age? She ain't interested in you. Why do guys not get this?
FQ13

My mother told me that the ideal age a woman should be for a man is one half his age plus seven.

Keeps me out of those half my age scams 

[Sponsor]

[tt11758]

My mother told me that the ideal age a woman should be for a man is one half his age plus seven.

Keeps me out of those half my age scams 

When I was younger I thought the best possible age for a man to be was 36......that way dating a woman half your age was no longer a felony.   

[tt11758]

A friend of mine just started his own business, making
land-mines that look like prayer mats.
 
“It's doing well.”, he says, “Prophets are going through the roof!”
 

[fightingquaker13]

When I was younger I thought the best possible age for a man to be was 36......that way dating a woman half your age was no longer a felony.   

Speaking as someone who teaches 18 year olds for a living? Yeah, they're nice to look at, but spending time with one in an extended social situation? Its more like babysitting.
FQ13 who has had to mention that texting at the University President's dinner table is a faux pas.

[tt11758]

Speaking as someone who teaches 18 year olds for a living? Yeah, they're nice to look at, but spending time with one in an extended social situation? Its more like babysitting.
FQ13 who has had to mention that texting at the University President's dinner table is a faux pas.

They weren't designed for conversation, dude. 

[tt11758]

I  met a fairy today that would grant me one wish.
 

"I want to live forever," I said.

 

"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

 

"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Minnesota Vikings win the Super Bowl!"

 

 "You crafty bastard," said the fairy.