Author Topic: Classic joke thread...  (Read 1357591 times)

Outlaw

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #410 on: April 01, 2008, 05:57:22 PM »
Haz, then he'll like this one as well:


An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down
and drinking from his farm pond.

The Amish farmer shouts:
"Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen."
(Translation: "Don't drink the water, the cows have shit in it.")

The kneeling man shouts back:
"I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If
you can't speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, speak in English."

The Amish farmer says: "Use two hands, you'll get more."
Strategic Air Command Motto: Peace is Our Profession, Believe it or We'll Bomb the Hell Outta Ya!

Teresa Heilevang

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #411 on: April 02, 2008, 12:00:56 AM »
George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.

George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."

George: "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night!"

So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze.

George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.

George: *slurring is words*: "Ahhhh crap" ! The ole' lady ish gonna fhrow my ass out of the house for gettin drunk and pukin all over my bran new shirt!"

Bill, George's best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.

Bill: "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned."

 George blinked a few times and weaved around and said, "Tha's a wunnerful idea. I'll do it!".

So, when drunk ass George walked into the house with his money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.

Georges wife: "I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!"

George: "Honey, let me esplain! This ole drunken fool at the bar frew up aaaalllllllll over me and then he gave me 20 bucks to haf my new shirt cleaned."

His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.

George's wife: "Oh, Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill come from?"

George: *stggering, but holding her gaze... "Oh, well...tha's from the nother guy who shit in my pants."
"Well Behaved Women Rarely Make History ! "
 

Teresa Heilevang

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #412 on: April 02, 2008, 09:28:05 PM »

Why Parents Drink!!!!

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up predominately on the pillow that was addresses to 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and mom. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all of her piercings, tattoos, tight biker clothes and the fact that she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion.... Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said we will be very happy. She owns her own trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves an d trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry dad, I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm
sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son

P.S. none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you, Call me when it's safe to come home...
Have a Great weekend !

"Well Behaved Women Rarely Make History ! "
 

Teresa Heilevang

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #413 on: April 03, 2008, 12:23:24 AM »
I was shopping at the local Super market where I selected:   

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,   
A head of romaine lettuce,   
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and   
A 1 lb. package of bacon.   
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk   
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the  cashier.   
 
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,   
'You must be single.'   
 
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the   
drunkin' derelicts intuition, since I was indeed single.

 I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my   
selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.   
 
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said:
 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'   
 
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'
"Well Behaved Women Rarely Make History ! "
 

Hazcat

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #414 on: April 03, 2008, 06:13:34 AM »
That joke just doesn't work when you tell it, Sweetheart! ;D
All tipoes and misspelings are copi-righted.  Pleeze do not reuse without ritten persimmons  :D

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #415 on: Today at 04:43:57 AM »

Neon Knight Anubis

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #415 on: April 03, 2008, 06:34:47 AM »
That joke just doesn't work when you tell it, Sweetheart! ;D

Agreed  ;D
We'll know for the first time
If we're evil or divine
We're the last in line

Outlaw

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #416 on: April 03, 2008, 09:45:19 AM »
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of crabs.

A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?'

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them herself.

Men never learn.
Strategic Air Command Motto: Peace is Our Profession, Believe it or We'll Bomb the Hell Outta Ya!

TAB

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #417 on: April 03, 2008, 02:59:54 PM »
not really a joke, but a damn funny ad from back when smoking was cool.

I always break all the clay pigeons,  some times its even with lead.

Outlaw

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #418 on: April 03, 2008, 06:50:08 PM »
Hell, I remember those days....90's, right ???
Strategic Air Command Motto: Peace is Our Profession, Believe it or We'll Bomb the Hell Outta Ya!

ellis4538

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #419 on: April 03, 2008, 07:52:24 PM »
Na, earlier than that.  Side burns are just a little long for the 90's
Used to be "The only thing to FEAR was FEAR ITSELF", nowadays "The only thing to FEAR is GETTING CAUGHT!"

 

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