Classic joke thread...

[Teresa Heilevang]

4 TRUTHS
 
During these serious times, people of all faiths 
should remember these four religious  truths:
 
1 Muslims do not recognize  Jews as God's chosen people.
 2. Jews do  not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
 3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian  world.
 4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters

[tombogan03884]

4 TRUTHS
 
During these serious times, people of all faiths 
should remember these four religious  truths:
 
1 Muslims do not recognize  Jews as God's chosen people.
 2. Jews do  not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
 3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian  world.
 4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters

I'm disapointed, Couldn't you find a way to offend Hindus, Buddists and agnostics as well   By the way, after a few hits of "Ganga" Rastafarians don't recognize anything

[Teresa Heilevang]

Hey.. I don't write 'em.. I just post 'em.   

Wished I had written this one tho..


A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.I want her to know what I go through.
So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.
 Amen!"

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then, it was already 1P.M.
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,
Dust,
And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. Cooked the supper and cleaned up 4 messes the kids made in the living room.
After supper,
He cleaned the kitchen,
Loaded and ran the dishwasher,
Folded laundry, and started another load
Bathed the kids,
And put them to bed.
At 09 P.M .
He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
"Lord, I don't have any idea what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
 Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.
Amen!"

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
 
"My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night.

[Teresa Heilevang]

God Said,... Adam I want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."!

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "! What is it now?"

And Adam said


*



*


"What's a headache?"

[Teresa Heilevang]

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. 

He walked in;.............
She turned and said, 'Right NOW...You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

His eyes lit up and he thought, 'This is my lucky day.' 
Not wanting to lose the moment, he grabbed her up her and then gave it his all;   right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and immediately returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asked, 'What was that all about?'

She shrugged and said, 'The egg timer's  broken.'

[Sponsor]

[Teresa Heilevang]

Dan Rather, Katie Couric, and a U.S. Marine were all captured by terrorists in Iraq.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

Dan Rather said, 'Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili.' 
The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili.
Rather ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'

Katie Couric said, 'I'm a reporter to the end.
I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen.
Maybe someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end. '

 The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Couric dictated some comments.
She then said, 'Now I can die happy.'

The leader turned and said, 'And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?'

'Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine.

'What?' asked the leader? 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'

'No, I'm not kidding.
I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm
pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead.
 
In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his M4
carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire.
In a flash, the terrorists  were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
 
As the Marine was untying Rather and Couric, they asked him, 'Why
didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to
kick you in the ass first?'

'What?!,' replied the Marine, 'And have you two idiots report that I
was the aggressor?


This probably shouldn't be on the joke board.   

[TAB]

Food for thought :

I was traveling between Chattanooga and Knoxville the other day (Just south of Sweetwater) when a tire blew out.Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat.My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, "Need a lift?""Yes, I sure do," I replied"You a Republican or Democrat," asked the old man."Republican," I replied."Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.

Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question.Again, I gave the same answer, "Republican."The driver gave me the finger and drove off.

I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Republicans.The next car to stop was a red convertible with Texas tags driven by a beautiful blonde.She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Republican or Democrat."Democrat!", I shouted."Hop in!", replied the blonde.Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car."She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out."What's the matter?", she asked."I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody.

[Bill Stryker]

A MAN WALKS INTO A RESTAURANT
 
 A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
 
 The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
 
 "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
 
 A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $ 9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
 
 The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
 
 The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
 
 Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
 
 This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
 
 "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
 
 "Same," says the ostrich.
 
 Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
 
 Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
 
 The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.  How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
 
 "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered m= e two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
 
 "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
 
 "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
 
 The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
 
 The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[Hazcat]

Dan Rather, Katie Couric, and a U.S. Marine were all captured by terrorists in Iraq.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

Dan Rather said, 'Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili.' 
The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili.
Rather ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'

Katie Couric said, 'I'm a reporter to the end.
I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen.
Maybe someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end. '

 The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Couric dictated some comments.
She then said, 'Now I can die happy.'

The leader turned and said, 'And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?'

'Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine.

'What?' asked the leader? 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'

'No, I'm not kidding.
I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm
pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead.
 
In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his M4
carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire.
In a flash, the terrorists  were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
 
As the Marine was untying Rather and Couric, they asked him, 'Why
didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to
kick you in the ass first?'

'What?!,' replied the Marine, 'And have you two idiots report that I
was the aggressor?


This probably shouldn't be on the joke board.  

Sure it should.  It brought a smile to my face cause ya know what??  Our guys and girls ARE THAT GOOD!

[tombogan03884]

Sure it should.  It brought a smile to my face cause ya know what??  Our guys and girls ARE THAT GOOD!

And our press is that bad.