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Author Topic: Classic joke thread...  (Read 1364393 times)

PegLeg45

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #3480 on: February 09, 2011, 03:41:37 PM »
Speaking of drunks......

True story:

I was sitting in a local bar with a group of regulars years ago and there was and older guy who was way beyond plastered leaning at the end of the bar.
One of the guys sniffed and noticed something was reeking like crap.
The guy closest to the drunk leaned over and realized it was the drunk.....so he asked the old guy, "Hey man, have you sh!t yer pants?"
The old guy said, "As a matter of fact I have."
The other guy said, "Damn, man, why the hell don't you go clean yourself up?"
The drunk said, "Because I don't think I'm quite done."
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"I expect perdition, I always have. I keep this building at my back, and several guns handy, in case perdition arrives in a form that's susceptible to bullets. I expect it will come in the disease form, though. I'm susceptible to diseases, and you can't shoot a damned disease." ~ Judge Roy Bean, Streets of Laredo

For the Patriots of this country, the Constitution is second only to the Bible for most. For those who love this country, but do not share my personal beliefs, it is their Bible. To them nothing comes before the Constitution of these United States of America. For this we are all labeled potential terrorists. ~ Dean Garrison

"When it comes to the enemy, just because they ain't pullin' a trigger, doesn't mean they ain't totin' ammo for those that are."~PegLeg

JC5123

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #3481 on: February 09, 2011, 03:59:56 PM »
Quote from: PegLeg45 on February 09, 2011, 03:41:37 PM
Speaking of drunks......

True story:

I was sitting in a local bar with a group of regulars years ago and there was and older guy who was way beyond plastered leaning at the end of the bar.
One of the guys sniffed and noticed something was reeking like crap.
The guy closest to the drunk leaned over and realized it was the drunk.....so he asked the old guy, "Hey man, have you sh!t yer pants?"
The old guy said, "As a matter of fact I have."
The other guy said, "Damn, man, why the hell don't you go clean yourself up?"
The drunk said, "Because I don't think I'm quite done."


Well....... ::) I suppose there is no point in doing the paperwork until the job is finished.   :-X
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that I will not fail this sacred trust.

PegLeg45

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #3482 on: February 09, 2011, 04:48:05 PM »
Quote from: JC5123 on February 09, 2011, 03:59:56 PM
Well....... ::) I suppose there is no point in doing the paperwork until the job is finished.   :-X

Don't get me started on the Mexican that sh!t in the walk-in beer cooler at a bar where I sometimes helped out as a bouncer.....very ugly incident indeed.

:-X  :-X  :-X  :-X
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"I expect perdition, I always have. I keep this building at my back, and several guns handy, in case perdition arrives in a form that's susceptible to bullets. I expect it will come in the disease form, though. I'm susceptible to diseases, and you can't shoot a damned disease." ~ Judge Roy Bean, Streets of Laredo

For the Patriots of this country, the Constitution is second only to the Bible for most. For those who love this country, but do not share my personal beliefs, it is their Bible. To them nothing comes before the Constitution of these United States of America. For this we are all labeled potential terrorists. ~ Dean Garrison

"When it comes to the enemy, just because they ain't pullin' a trigger, doesn't mean they ain't totin' ammo for those that are."~PegLeg

JC5123

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #3483 on: February 09, 2011, 04:54:07 PM »
Quote from: PegLeg45 on February 09, 2011, 04:48:05 PM
Don't get me started on the Mexican that sh!t in the walk-in beer cooler at a bar where I sometimes helped out as a bouncer.....very ugly incident indeed.

:-X  :-X  :-X  :-X

Damn Peg, I think I'd be looking for a new bar!
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I am a member of my nation's chosen soldiery.
God grant that I may not be found wanting,
that I will not fail this sacred trust.

PegLeg45

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #3484 on: February 09, 2011, 05:17:24 PM »
Quote from: JC5123 on February 09, 2011, 04:54:07 PM
Damn Peg, I think I'd be looking for a new bar!

It was quite a place....especially on the full moon.......something akin to an Addams Family/Munsters/Beverly Hillbillies reunion.
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"I expect perdition, I always have. I keep this building at my back, and several guns handy, in case perdition arrives in a form that's susceptible to bullets. I expect it will come in the disease form, though. I'm susceptible to diseases, and you can't shoot a damned disease." ~ Judge Roy Bean, Streets of Laredo

For the Patriots of this country, the Constitution is second only to the Bible for most. For those who love this country, but do not share my personal beliefs, it is their Bible. To them nothing comes before the Constitution of these United States of America. For this we are all labeled potential terrorists. ~ Dean Garrison

"When it comes to the enemy, just because they ain't pullin' a trigger, doesn't mean they ain't totin' ammo for those that are."~PegLeg

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #3485 on: Today at 05:00:12 PM »
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Bill Stryker

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #3485 on: February 09, 2011, 05:35:32 PM »
A man suffered a sudden serious heart attack, and had immediate lifesaving open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.
She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a weak voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied. "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you with the cost?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated, and said loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my Brother-in-law."

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Johnny Bravo

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #3486 on: February 10, 2011, 01:46:53 PM »
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
  The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
  The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
  The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
  You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
  'Do you mean a rose?'
  'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' 
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"An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject."

Majer

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #3487 on: February 10, 2011, 05:58:26 PM »
    A good Hassidic family is most concerned that their 30-year-old son is unmarried.
 So, they call a marriage broker and ask  him to find their son a good wife.

 The broker comes over to their house and spends a long time asking questions of the son and his parents as to what they want in a wife/daughter-in-law.  They give him a long shopping list of requirements.

The marriage broker takes a long time looking, and finally asks to visit the family again.  He then tells them of a wonderful woman he has found.  He says she's just the right age for the son... She keeps a Glatt Kosher home...she regularly attends synagogue and knows the prayers by heart...she is a wonderful cook...she loves children and wants a large family. And, to crown it all off, she's gorgeous.



     
    After hearing all this, the family is very impressed and begins to get excited about the prospects of a wedding in the near future.



     
    But the son pauses and asks inappropriately:  "Is she also good in bed?"



     


     


     
    The marriage broker answers,
    "Some say yes...some say no ..........."
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"If violent crime is to be curbed, it is only the intended victim who can do it. The felon does not fear the police, and he fears neither judge nor jury. Therefore what he must be taught to fear is his victim." - Jeff Cooper
Pericles--"Freedom is only for those who have the guts to defend it".

The problem with society today is that not enough of us drink wine from our enemies skulls”.

It takes 43 muscles to frown, 17 to smile, and 3 for proper trigger squeeze.

Gun control is like trying to reduce drunk driving by making it tougher for sober people to own cars!!!
-Sheriff Jim Wilson
"When tyranny becomes law rebellion becomes duty" Thomas Jefferson
Es gibt keine Notwendigkeit zu befürchten, Underdog hier ist.
Great nations rise and fall. The people go from bondage to spiritual truth, to great courage, from courage to liberty, from liberty to abundance, from abundance to selfishness, from selfishness to complacency, from complacency to apathy, from apathy to dependence, from dependence back again to bondage. Where are we now??????

Majer

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #3488 on: February 10, 2011, 07:10:34 PM »
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you Sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out, "Holy crap! My girlfriend's gone, too!"
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"If violent crime is to be curbed, it is only the intended victim who can do it. The felon does not fear the police, and he fears neither judge nor jury. Therefore what he must be taught to fear is his victim." - Jeff Cooper
Pericles--"Freedom is only for those who have the guts to defend it".

The problem with society today is that not enough of us drink wine from our enemies skulls”.

It takes 43 muscles to frown, 17 to smile, and 3 for proper trigger squeeze.

Gun control is like trying to reduce drunk driving by making it tougher for sober people to own cars!!!
-Sheriff Jim Wilson
"When tyranny becomes law rebellion becomes duty" Thomas Jefferson
Es gibt keine Notwendigkeit zu befürchten, Underdog hier ist.
Great nations rise and fall. The people go from bondage to spiritual truth, to great courage, from courage to liberty, from liberty to abundance, from abundance to selfishness, from selfishness to complacency, from complacency to apathy, from apathy to dependence, from dependence back again to bondage. Where are we now??????

Bill Stryker

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #3489 on: February 12, 2011, 04:25:40 PM »
SORRY!  COULDN'T RESIST 



      On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.  The certificate paid for a visit to a Cherokee medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.  After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

      The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine, and it must be respected.  You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

      The man was encouraged.  As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
      "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
     
      He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

      When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

      His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she, asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

      And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
      ;)
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