Classic joke thread...

[MinotBob]

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,

walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,


 

 "I would like to buy some cyanide."


 


 

    The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."


 

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy!

 I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law!

I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.


 

Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"


 

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her

husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.


 

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

 "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[mkm]

Found this on facebook.  I thougut it was funny enough to share with yall.
Charlie for President. I hope the Democrats run Charlie Sheen in the primaries. He has HUGE advantages over the incumbent.

1. More qualified and experienced to hold the office. (He watched reruns of his father playing the president in West Wing).
2. More military experience, (he stared in Platoon and Navy Seals).
3. More knowledgeable about the economy, (he starred in Wall Street).
4. Is not a communist or socialist, (he was in Red Dawn).
5. More likely to defend our boarders, (again Red Dawn)
6. Is pro second amendment, (Starred in Young Guns).
7. Is pro law enforcement, (Costarred in the Rookie)
8. Could host far more memorable state dinner parties, (see arrest record).
9. Could actually get a ball across home plate at the start of the baseball season. (stared in Eight Men Out and Major League).
10. Knows the middle east better, (see Hot Shots part Deux)
11. More decisive and has a high energy level.
12. Comparatively more sane.
13. Much more honest.
14. Much more intelligent.
15. Much less arrogant.
16. Has two first ladies, who are much better looking and more experienced in front of the camera.
17. Is all about WIN.
18. While a little sketchy, looks much more Presidential.
19. While a little sketchy, spends money far more sensibly.
20. Unfortunately, both Charlie and the incumbent have a history of drug use. But Charlie just passed a drug test.
21. Surrounds himself with a much better class of people.
22. Is honest about his religious beliefs.
23. Lets it all hang out and is open with people; no hidden agenda.
24. Is more consistent.
25. Looks much more “together” and less haggard than the incumbent.
26. While less experienced with a teleprompter, he is still pretty good.
27. Better ratings.
28. Enjoys a better relationship with Israel and the Jewish community.
29. Was raised in America and was not influenced by third world socialists in his formative years, (just the ones in Hollywood).
30. Has Tiger blood.
31. Admits he is from Mars. The incumbent refuses to say.
32. Does not play Golf……constantly.
33. Not as uptight and a little less inhibited.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Could he be worse?  He would likely be more entertaining.

[Jackel]

if he ran i would bet my paycheck he'd win. modern day Jackson

[ellis4538]

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever..

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.'

The  proctologists    fainted.


 

[sledgemeister]

Q: What did the Marshall'ette do when her broomstick broke?
A: She witch-hiked!

Q: How does Marshall'ette tell the time ?
A:With a witch-watch !

Q: Why doesnt Marshall'ette ride her broom whilst angry! ?
A: She is afraid of flying off the handle!

 



Hi ho hi ho its off to the corner I go........ 

[Sponsor]

[PegLeg45]

Hi ho hi ho its off to the corner I go........ 

And you may want to go ahead and start the digging when you get there.   

[tt11758]

And you may want to go ahead and start the digging when you get there.   

I think he's dug himself a hole deep enough to be buried in already.

[tt11758]

Speaking of Charlie, check this out..............................

www.livethesheendream.com

[Pecos Bill]

Hell, why not?

[tombogan03884]

WHEN TO START CUSSING....

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."


 

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.


 

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.


 

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"


 

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"


 

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"