Classic joke thread...

[PegLeg45]

[billt]

You could be a Muslim if:

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral
objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you
can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon
unclean.

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and
suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in
your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than
setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at
least four.

10. Your cousin is president of the United States .

11. If You find this offensive or racist and don't forward it.

[gunman42782]

"I have  outlived my  pecker."
   
 
 My nookie days are over,
  My pilot light is out.
  What used to be my sex appeal,
  Is now my water spout.
 
  Time was when, on its own accord,
  From my trousers it would spring.
  But now  I've got a full time job,
  To find the friggin' thing. 

  It used to be embarrassing,
  The way it would behave.
  For every single morning,
  It would stand and watch me shave.
 
  Now as old age approaches,
  It sure gives me the blues.
  To see it hang its little head,
 And watch me tie my shoes!!
 

[gunman42782]

Two old guys talking:

One said to the other: "My 75th birthday yesterday; wife gave me an SUV".

Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"
First guy: "Yup.  Socks, Underwear, and Viagra!"

[crusader rabbit]

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.
He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government?  Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister.. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.


Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice presidential choice the same question. "Joe, answer this for me.  Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Biden "Let me get back to you on that one."

He went to his advisers and asked every one, but none could give him an answer.  Finally, he ran into Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Sarah Palin answered back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Sarah Palin!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face,

"No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

AND THAT IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON WITH OUR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IN WASHINGTON , D.C.

[Sponsor]

[tt11758]

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.
He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government?  Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister.. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.


Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice presidential choice the same question. "Joe, answer this for me.  Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Biden "Let me get back to you on that one."

He went to his advisers and asked every one, but none could give him an answer.  Finally, he ran into Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Sarah Palin answered back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Sarah Palin!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face,

"No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

AND THAT IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON WITH OUR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IN WASHINGTON , D.C.

Perhaps after January 21, 2013 this joke will be funny.

[crusader rabbit]

a clean one, for a change...

"Science Quotes from Kids"

~ One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

~ You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

~ When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

~ When people run around and around in circles, we say they are crazy. When planets do it, we say they are orbiting.

~ While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.

~ Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change into a sun in the daytime.

~ A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

~ Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to become oil.

~ Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.

~ Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

~ We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

~ I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

~ In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.

~ Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

~ Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.

~ Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

~ Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

~ It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live in other places.

[hollandm]

Official Photo of Osama's Burial at Sea.

It's kinda small but that's a white 1962 Ford Fairlane.

[FSBARAK]

[gunman42782]

The phone call
 
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors male dog at her house while they were away on vacation. She had a large house however and believed that she could keep them apart.
As she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and  found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.
 
She was unable to separate  them and perplexed as to what to do next. Although it was late, she  called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said. "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
 
"It just worked for me" he replied .