Classic joke thread...

[JC5123]

Shamelessly stolen from another forum. But so funny and true, I had to share it.


Class I, Easy. Fast moving water with riffles and small waves.
Swimming is pleasant, shore easily reached. A nice break from
paddling. Almost all gear and equipment is recovered. Boat is just
slightly scratched.

Class II, Novice. Straightforward rapids with wide, clear channels
which are evident without scouting. Swimming to eddies requires
moderate effort. Climbing out of river may involve slippery rocks and
shrub-induced lacerations. Paddle travels great distance downstream
requiring lengthy walk. Something unimportant is missing. Boat hits
submerged rock leaving visible dent on frame or new gash in plastic.

Class III, Intermediate. Rapids with moderate, irregular waves which
may be difficult to avoid. Water is swallowed. Legs are ground
repeatedly against sharp, pointy rocks. Several eddies are missed
while swimming. Difficult decision to stay with boat results in
moment of terror when swimmer realizes they are downstream of boat.
Paddle is recirculated in small hole way upstream. All personal
possessions are removed from boat and floated in different
directions. Paddling partners run along river bank shouting helpful
instructions. Boat is munched against large boulder hard enough to
leave series of deep gouges. Sunglasses fall off.

Class IV, Advanced. Water is generally lots colder than Class III.
Intense, powerful but predictable rapids requiring precise swimming
in turbulent water. Swimming may require `must' moves above dangerous
hazards. Must moves are downgraded to `strongly recommended' after
they are missed. Sensation of disbelief experienced while about to
swim large drops. Frantic swimming towards shore is alternated with
frantic swimming away from shore to avoid strainers. Rocks are clung
to with death grip. Paddle is completely forgotten. One shoe is
removed. Hydraulic pressure permanently removes waterproof box with
all the really important stuff. Paddle partners running along stream
look genuinely concerned while lofting throw ropes 20 feet behind
swimmer. Paddle partners stare slack-jawed and point in amazement at
boat which is finally pinned by major feature. Climbing up river bank
involves inverted tree. One of those spring loaded pins that attaches
watch to wristband is missing. Contact lenses are moved to rear of
eyeballs.

Class V, Expert. The water in this rapid is usually under 42 degrees
F. Most gear is destroyed on rocks within minutes if not seconds. If
the boat survives, it is need of about three days of repair. There is
no swimming, only frantic movements to keep from becoming one with
the rocks and to get a breath from time to time. Terror and panic set
in as you realize your paddle partners don't have a chance in heck of
reaching you. You come to a true understanding of the terms
maytagging and pinballing. That hole that looked like nothing when
scouted, has a hydraulic that holds you under the water until your
lungs are close to bursting. You come out only to realize you still
have 75% of the rapid left to swim. Swim to the eddy? What #%^&*#*
eddy!? This rapid usually lasts a mile or more. Hydraulic pressure
within the first few seconds removes everything that can come off
your body. This includes gloves, shoes, neoprene socks, sunglasses,
hats, and clothing. The rocks take care of your fingers, toes, and
ears. That $900.00 dry suit, well it might hold up to the rocks. Your
paddle is trash. If there is a strainer, well, just hope it is old
and rotten so it breaks. Paddle partners on shore are frantically
trying to run and keep up with you. Their horror is reflected in
their faces as they stare at how you are being tossed around! They
are hoping to remember how to do CPR. They also really hope the
cooler with the beer is still intact. They are going to need a cold
one by the time you get out! Climbing out of this happens after the
rapid is over. You will probably need the help of a backboard,
cervical collar and Z-rig. Even though you have broken bones,
lacerations, puncture wounds, missing digits & ears, and a
concussion, you won't feel much pain because you will have severe
hypothermia. Enjoy your stay in the hospital: with the time you take
recovering, you won't get another vacation for 3 years.

Class VI, World Class. Not recommended for swimming.

[fightingquaker13]

 

No Enemies

 
Let's hope this happens to  all of us! 
98 and no enemies -  human  interest story.

All golfers should live so long as to be this kind of old man!
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of  you have forgiven your enemies?"
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.
 
"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped  their hands.
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the  world?"
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the  congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all the sons of bitches."
 
 

[philw]

[PegLeg45]

Welcome to Red Bull.

[crusader rabbit]

Accident in Anchorage
 
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

 
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.


"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens  shouted. 
 
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.  Which do you want to hear first?"
 
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens  said, "Give me the bad news first."
 
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
 
"Oh, no!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, “What's the good news?"
 
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had a dozen 25 pound king crabs and 6 fairly good sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
 
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded,  "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
 
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

[Sponsor]

[Steyr M40A1]

I kept replaying and replaying from the 10sec mark.

[GASPASSERDELUXE]

 
NORTH DAKOTA COW
 

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota . He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there).
He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk.
When he grabs a teat and pulls....the cow farts.
Surprised, Ole looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under to try again.
He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again.
Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow.
When he gets back to Minnesota , he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.'
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat...the cow farts..
Sven looks at Ole and says, You bought dis here cow over in Nordakota, didn't yah?'
Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip.
Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how did yah know?'
Sven says, 'My wife is from Nordakota.
 
 

[philw]

[FSBARAK]

A third grade teacher asked her students to, one by one, stand in
front of the class and tell what their Daddy's do.

Little Mary went first,

"My daddy is a doctor and he saves people's lives"

"That's wonderful Mary. Now how about you Jane, what does your
daddy do?"

"My daddy is a lawyer and he puts bad people in jail," says Jane

"Very good Jane. Ok Johnny, what does your daddy do?"

"My daddy is dead" says Johnny

"Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that Johnny," said the teacher, "what
did he do before he died?"

"He turned blue and shit on the carpet"

[PegLeg45]

Corner, here I come.......

The Blond is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh.

Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location.

She responds 'It's really cool.............If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean.'