Classic joke thread...

[gunman42782]

THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLD FOLKS:


A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited,

so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store

and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.

He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem -

how to carry his entire purchases home..

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady

who told him she was lost.

She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact,

my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.
Carry the bucket in one hand,

put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'


'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.

We'll be there in no time.'


The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said,

'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me..

How do I know that when we get in the alley

you won't hold me up against the wall,

pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'


The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady!

I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose.

How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'


The old lady replied,

'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket,

put the paint on top of the bucket,

and I'll hold the chickens.
_________________

[PegLeg45]

Got two jokes for you:

[tt11758]

You might have to think twice about this one.
 
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night

with the tip Of her index finger shot off.  'How did this happen?' the emergency Room doctor asked her.
 
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
 
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting Off your finger?'
 
'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, &
 Then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...
 
I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
 
'So then?' asked the doctor.
 
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000..00 To get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
 
'So then?'
 
'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a  Loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the Trigger.

[PegLeg45]

 

They're fixin' to get riled up down here.

[tt11758]

They're fixin' to get riled up down here.

You know the skeeters are big when you feel the rotor wash from their wings, and hear one ask another, "Should we eat him here or take him home?"

[Sponsor]

[tt11758]

This  man had what he thought was the best tattoo in the world...







Until he went  to  prison.

[sledgemeister]

Was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” Thinking back, I really should have legged it – but you don’t get offers like that every day.

[fightingquaker13]

ROFL to both of you.
FQ13

[Bill Stryker]

Police Stop at 1 a. m.
 
 
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

[Johnny Bravo]

         

             

            Brilliant in its simplicity ...

             

             

             A. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.

             

            B. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.

             

            C. Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.

             

            D. In three generations, there will be no Democrats.

             

            Damn - I love it when a plan comes together!!!