Author Topic: Classic joke thread...  (Read 1395449 times)

Teresa Heilevang

  • The "Other Halloway"
  • Global Moderator
  • Top Forum Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3639
  • Don't make me call the flying monkeys! DRTV Ranger
    • The Perfect Touch
  • Liked:
  • Likes Given: 0
Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #500 on: April 23, 2008, 12:24:17 AM »
The Lone Ranger is captured by Indians...

The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great

Lone Ranger.  In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.
 But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.

 What is your first request?'

 The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'

 The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
  Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

 As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

 The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. 
'You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.  What is your second request?'

 The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.  Silver is brought to him, and once again he whispers in the horse's ear.   As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

 Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.  She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and also spends the night.

 The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. He tells the Lone Ranger, 'You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow.  'So what is your last request?'

 The Lone Ranger responds,
'I'd like to speak to my horse.... alone.'

 The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

 Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says:
'Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse.
For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE'.

"Well Behaved Women Rarely Make History ! "
 

ellis4538

  • Top Forum Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3455
  • DRTV Ranger
  • Liked:
  • Likes Given: 0
Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #501 on: April 23, 2008, 12:58:57 PM »
THE GORILLA AND THE REDNECK
A small zoo in Indiana obtained a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem.
The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla
available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee , like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter
over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their
offer, but only under five conditions:
"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The
keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.
"And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the
$500.00."
Used to be "The only thing to FEAR was FEAR ITSELF", nowadays "The only thing to FEAR is GETTING CAUGHT!"

Ron J

  • Guest
Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #502 on: April 23, 2008, 02:25:59 PM »
My apologies if this was previously posted and I missed it ...

Subject: From a Danish Friend
 

"We in   Denmark cannot figure out why you  are even bothering to hold an election.

On one side, you have a bitch  who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, and a lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer.

On the other side, you have a true war hero married  to a woman with a huge chest who owns a beer distributorship.

Is  there a contest here?"

Ichiban

  • Top Forum Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1847
  • DRTV Ranger
  • Liked:
  • Likes Given: 0
Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #503 on: April 23, 2008, 04:13:28 PM »
Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
 
A Message from John Cleese (British comedian) (FawltyTowers)
 
To: The citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
 
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary so you know what is happening. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
 -----------------------
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
 ------------------------
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize.'  You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save the Queen.
 -------------------
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
 -----------------
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
 ----------------------
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wi sh to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
 ----------------------
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand and see what we mean. Holden Monaro's are also approved.
 ---------------------
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts
and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
 --------------------
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
 -------------------
10. You will learn to make real c hips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
 -------------------
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.  South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British
Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
 ------------------- --
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a
Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
 ---------------------
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).  Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
 ---------------------
14. Further, you will stop playing base ball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. (well there is that Toronto thing I suppose... but they're nearly all bloody Yanks anyway)
Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
 --------------------
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
 -----------------
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
 ---------------
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cake s; strawberries in season.

 God Save the Queen. Only He can. 
 



Majer

  • Top Forum Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1767
  • Liked:
  • Likes Given: 72
Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #504 on: April 23, 2008, 07:06:20 PM »
Nick and Sarah decided that they should get a pet for their teen daughters. Sarah went to a pet store and when she walked in there was this beautiful parrot with a price tag of $50. She asked the shop keep why the low price. He said that the parrot had been raised in a brothel and that it's language wasn't alway clean. She figured what the heck, how bad could it be and bought the parrot. She took it home and removed the cover to the cage. The parrot looked around and said "New Home, New Madam" This shocked Sarah, but then she realized that it was a product of where it was raised and laughed it off. A littlt while later Sarah's teen daughters came home, The parrot looked at them and said "New Home, New Madam, New Girls" This too was laughed off once explained to the girls. Later that night Nick came home and the parrot looks at him and says "New Home, New Madam, New Girls, HI NICK"
"If violent crime is to be curbed, it is only the intended victim who can do it. The felon does not fear the police, and he fears neither judge nor jury. Therefore what he must be taught to fear is his victim." - Jeff Cooper
Pericles--"Freedom is only for those who have the guts to defend it".

The problem with society today is that not enough of us drink wine from our enemies skulls”.

It takes 43 muscles to frown, 17 to smile, and 3 for proper trigger squeeze.

Gun control is like trying to reduce drunk driving by making it tougher for sober people to own cars!!!
-Sheriff Jim Wilson
"When tyranny becomes law rebellion becomes duty" Thomas Jefferson
Es gibt keine Notwendigkeit zu befürchten, Underdog hier ist.
Great nations rise and fall. The people go from bondage to spiritual truth, to great courage, from courage to liberty, from liberty to abundance, from abundance to selfishness, from selfishness to complacency, from complacency to apathy, from apathy to dependence, from dependence back again to bondage. Where are we now??????

Sponsor

  • Guest
Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #505 on: Today at 06:12:31 PM »

Marshal Halloway

  • Forum Administrator
  • Top Forum Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1296
  • Liked:
  • Likes Given: 28
Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #505 on: April 24, 2008, 02:17:55 PM »
Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her
vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.
 
She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no
one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
 
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs.
She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
 
'Excuse me, miss,' said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel,
out of breath from running up the stairs.
 
'The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much
appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.
 
 'What difference does it make?' Joan asked rather calmly. 'No one can see me up
 here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel.'
 

Not exactly, said the embarrassed man. 'You're lying on the dining room skylight.'



Teresa Heilevang

  • The "Other Halloway"
  • Global Moderator
  • Top Forum Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3639
  • Don't make me call the flying monkeys! DRTV Ranger
    • The Perfect Touch
  • Liked:
  • Likes Given: 0
Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #506 on: April 24, 2008, 02:22:05 PM »
After a relaxing bath...Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself, nude in a mirror...

Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight, was depressing her...

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help...
'God....If you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you,' She prayed...

And just like that... her ears fell off...


 ;D
"Well Behaved Women Rarely Make History ! "
 

wisconsin

  • Top Forum Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 316
  • NRA member
  • Liked:
  • Likes Given: 0
Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #507 on: April 24, 2008, 05:38:10 PM »
Thats sick. But good
" I won't be wronged, I won't be insulted, and I won't be laid a hand on. I don't do these things to other people, and I require the same from them."   John Wayne

Teresa Heilevang

  • The "Other Halloway"
  • Global Moderator
  • Top Forum Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3639
  • Don't make me call the flying monkeys! DRTV Ranger
    • The Perfect Touch
  • Liked:
  • Likes Given: 0
Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #508 on: April 25, 2008, 01:15:43 AM »



"Well Behaved Women Rarely Make History ! "
 

Bill Stryker

  • Top Forum Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 727
  • Liked:
  • Likes Given: 0
Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #509 on: April 25, 2008, 10:01:44 AM »
Be careful what you wish for….   
   

       

 

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up.
 
Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
 
Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."
 
The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
 
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you."
 
The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
 
The next morning bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton at his side.
 
His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
 
God is Good. 


 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk