Classic joke thread...

[crusader rabbit]

Isn't this s'posed to be a joke thread?  That one right there made me tear up.  Really not at all funny.  They're messin' with MY grand babies' future.

Crusader

[ratcatcher55]

Priest's Retirement Dinner

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in
the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen
to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few
words while they waited, 'I got my first impression of the parish from
the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a
terrible place.

The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had
stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able
to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents,
embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss' wife, taken
illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled! But as the
days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I
had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of
apologies at being late.  He immediately began to make the
presentation and gave his talk, 'I'll never forget the first day our
parish Priest arrived,' said the politician.

'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for
confession.'

Moral: Never,  Never,  Never Be Late

[tt11758]

To  Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1.   In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.'
2. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
3.   Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'. 
4.   Sing Along At The Opera. 
5.   Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend
Their Party Because You have a headache.
6.   When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot,
Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
7.   Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy,
We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity:
           
8.   PICK UP A BOX  OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY,
GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE  FITTING ROOM   IS.   

9.  Next time you're in WalMart, take the "try me" sticker off the plush toys and put them boxes of condoms.

[Bill Stryker]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son...
He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face...
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly...After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word..

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

"No" the woman replied. "I'm with the IRS ".

[ratcatcher55]

A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college.   Half way through the semester, having foolishly
squandered all his money .... he calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education
is developing! They actually have a program here in Bryan that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says "and I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results
they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was
in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".

"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives
down the street?"

The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying dog before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.

 

 

[Sponsor]

[Majer]

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."



"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"



"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead.”



"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"



"Si, Senor, that's the one."



"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"



"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."



"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"



"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."



"Dead horse? What dead horse?"



"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."



"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"



"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."



"Are you insane? What water cart?"



"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."



"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"



"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."



"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"



"Yes, Senor Rod."



"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"



"For the funeral, Senor Rod."



"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"



"Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Skeet Special with the custom Wenig Exhibition Grade Stock. "



SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE...............



"Ernesto, if you scratched that shotgun, you're in deep $#*T."

[PegLeg45]

My US House Rep just put this photo on his FB page before heading for the next vote.......  

[sledgemeister]

[Badgersmilk]

[Majer]

Ponderisms
 

Can you cry under water?

 

Why do they say naked as a Jay Bird.  They aren't naked, they have feathers.

 

HOW IMPORTANT DOES A PERSON HAVE TO BE BEFORE THEY ARE CONSIDERED

ASSASSINATED INSTEAD OF JUST MURDERED?

 

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO "PUT YOUR TWO CENTS IN"..BUT IT'S ONLY A

"PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS?"  WHERE'S THAT EXTRA PENNY GOING TO?

 

ONCE YOU'RE IN HEAVEN, DO YOU GET STUCK WEARING THE CLOTHES

YOU WERE BURIED IN FOR ETERNITY?

 

WHY DOES A ROUND PIZZA COME IN A SQUARE BOX?

 

WHAT DISEASE DID CURED HAM ACTUALLY HAVE?

 

HOW IS IT THAT WE PUT MAN ON THE MOON BEFORE WE FIGURED OUT IT

WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO PUT WHEELS ON LUGGAGE?

 

WHY IS IT THAT PEOPLE SAY THEY "SLEPT LIKE A BABY" WHEN BABIES

WAKE UP LIKE EVERY TWO HOURS?

 

IF A DEAF PERSON HAS TO GO TO COURT, IS IT STILL CALLED A HEARING?

 

WHY ARE YOU "IN" A MOVIE, BUT YOU'RE "ON" TV?

 

WHY DO PEOPLE PAY TO GO UP TALL BUILDINGS AND THEN PUT MONEY IN

BINOCULARS TO LOOK AT THINGS ON THE GROUND?

 

WHY DO DOCTORS LEAVE THE ROOM WHILE YOU CHANGE?

THEY'RE GOING TO SEE YOU NAKED ANYWAY.

 

WHY IS "BRA" SINGULAR AND "PANTIES" PLURAL?

 

WHY DO TOASTERS ALWAYS HAVE A SETTING THAT BURNS THE TOAST TO

A HORRIBLE CRISP, WHICH NO DECENT HUMAN BEING WOULD EAT?

 

IF JIMMY CRACKS CORN AND NO ONE CARES, WHY IS THERE A STUPID SONG ABOUT HIM?

 

CAN A HEARSE CARRYING A CORPSE DRIVE IN THE CARPOOL LANE?

 

IF THE PROFESSOR ON GILLIGAN'S ISLAND CAN MAKE A RADIO OUT OF A COCONUT,

WHY CAN'T HE FIX A HOLE IN A BOAT?

 

WHY DOES GOOFY STAND ERECT WHILE PLUTO REMAINS ON ALL FOURS?  THEY ARE BOTH DOGS!

 

IF WILE E. COYOTE HAD ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY ALL THAT ACME CRAP,

WHY DIDN'T HE JUST BUY DINNER?

 

IF CORN OIL IS MADE FROM CORN AND VEGETABLE OIL IS MADE FROM VEGETABLES,

WHY IS BABY OIL MADE FROM?

 

IF ELECTRICITY COMES FROM ELECTRONS, DOES MORALITY COME FROM MORONS?

 

DO THE ALPHABET SONG AND TWINKLE, TWINKLE LITTLE STAR HAVE THE SAME TUNE?

 

WHY DID YOU JUST TRY SINGING THE TWO SONGS ABOVE?

 

WHY DO THEY CALL IT AN ASTEROID WHEN IT'S OUTSIDE THE HEMISPHERE,

BUT CALL IT A HEMORRHOID WHEN IT'S IN YOUR BUTT?

 

DID YOU EVER NOTICE THAT WHEN YOU BLOW IN A DOG'S FACE,

HE GETS MAD AT YOU, BUT WHEN YOU TAKE HIM FOR A CAR RIDE,

HE STICKS HIS HEAD OUT THE WINDOW?