Classic joke thread...

[tt11758]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy ,
went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man
said:

"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from
the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have
no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual
favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,
you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.


However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one
more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

[TAB]

Six Truths in Life:




1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, a physical impossibility due to the tendons within your neck.





2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.





3. And discover #1 is a lie.




4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.




5. You soon will share this with another idiot.



6. There is still a stupid smile on your face. I sincerely apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I needed company!

[JC5123]

Six Truths in Life:




1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, a physical impossibility due to the tendons within your neck.





2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.





3. And discover #1 is a lie.




4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.




5. You soon will share this with another idiot.



6. There is still a stupid smile on your face. I sincerely apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I needed company!

You'll always have FQ.   

Disclaimer: Be careful what you post because there is always an asshole with a comment.

[Majer]

5 pearls of Scottish wisdom to remember.

1. Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, it's more comfortable to
cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastards name.

3. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he
is in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.

[sledgemeister]

This will appeal to those with a warped sense of humour - ie Miss T

so three midgets go into a bar...........

[Sponsor]

[sledgemeister]

Yes you may cringe while reading some of these......

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

________________________ ________________________ __
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
________________________ ________________________ __

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

Aepends how much you've been drinking.
________________________ ________________________ __

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A : Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
________________________ ________________________ __

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them inBrisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?
________________________ ________________________ __

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
________________________ ________________________ __

Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
________________________ ________________________ _

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
________________________ ________________________ __

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
________________________ ________________________ __

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
________________________ ________________________ __

Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A : No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
________________________ ________________________ __

Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
________________________ ________________________ __

Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
________________________ ________________________ __

Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it inAustralia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
________________________ ________________________ __

Qo you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A : Only at Christmas.
________________________ ________________________ __

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

[Pathfinder]

This will appeal to those with a warped sense of humour - ie Miss T

so three midgets go into a bar...........

OK, that is just so wrong on sooooo many levels.



But damn, it was funny!!! I just about lost it when the cops showed up!

[Majer]

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this
prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss: Yes.
Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
Boss : A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the
right time.
Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current
economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also
take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this
company for over a decade.
Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to
start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra
five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!
Boss : Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after
you?
Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and
the Mortgage Company!

[sledgemeister]

Its offensive Friday Jokes

I have an aborigine friend, his name is Jim
I like throwing tomatoes at him
Tomatoes are soft and don't hurt the skin
but these fuckers do coz they're still in the tin


whats the difference between pimples and a priest?
Nothing they both come on your face at the age of 13


Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.             
They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement..it was a mortar attack.

An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including  cocaine, heroin and ecstasy have been found behind the Job Centre in       
Liverpool.                                                                 
The locals are said to be in a state of shock........
They had no f**king  idea they had a job centre! 

[FSBARAK]